Still Waiting

Here’s a letter mom wrote me from her home in Gainesville, FL when I was living in Los Angeles. On the outside reverse of the envelope she wrote, “Feel Free to Write Back!” but – until it was far too late – I rarely took the time to actually write mom letters. I talked to her on the phone pretty much every single day of my life, and emailed and texted her even more frequently.

There’s something about a hand-written letter, though. There’s a little rush you get when you receive a piece of mail that isn’t a bill or junk. Mom knew that and knew how much I loved receiving her missives, even when they weren’t exactly positive or uplifting.

12/01/08
Dear David,

I can’t believe it’s already December! It seems as if I’ve been out of work forever and scrounging for money to pay bills.

My self-esteem is getting lower by the day as I feel like I’m out of the loop of life, more alone than ever and tired of myself. If it wasn’t for Mocha and Paprika, I would probably run away from home.

Every day, I decide to lose weight, but I am, reasonably, depressed and worried if my life will ever get on track again. I spent most of today looking for a job, but none of them sound good to me. Or, maybe, it’s that my self-esteem is diminished because I lost another job through no fault of my own!

I really want to lose weight, but I have forgotten how to do it.

I think about you and Jen a lot. I miss you both soo much. You left in, what, 1993? Jen left soon after. I’ve been alone ever since. I hang out with Donna sometimes, but not as much as earlier. I’m sure my negativity and fear are not a fun conversation.

I’m sixty, and I’m still waiting for my dreams to come true.

I’m so glad you’re coming to Florida! I can’t wait to see you!

Love,
Mom

Notes:

• Mocha was her dog. Paprika was her cat.
• I actually “left home” effectively when I graduated high school, which was in 1991. (Jen left in 1993.)
• Donna was one of mom’s friends in Gainesville.