It has been a long time since I’ve even thought about writing …

I’ve gained back the 23 pounds I lost before Jen & I went to Rhode Island. I’m also stressed, having problems breathing, and tired all the time. I’ve been feeling as if there’s nothing I can do about it — ever.

But that’s not true. I can change my life. I’ve done it before. I just need to keep trying until I get it right. I need to stop acting as if there’s some unseen force out there preventing me from getting where I want to be. There is no force — it’s only me. The power really is mine. The choice is mine. It always has been.

Susan said yesterday that eating is the one thing in our lives we can totally control. And I’ve been using food, I know, to both feel good and to punish myself.

I deserve the best there is in the world! I believe that I am worthy! I believe I can do this!

I believe it because I would tell anyone else, no matter how much they felt unworthy, that they deserve all the good things they want in their lives. Why not me? I am a good person. I don’t know where I got my fears or the deep-seated feelings that I am unworthy. Those are pretty strong feelings. But they cannot, will not, control me forever. I deserve better. And I am the only one who hasn’t believed that until now.

Jen and David really, really love me. They see me as worthy. So does Susan. So does Anita. So does Barbara. So do Dic and Ann. A lot of people are really happy when good things happen for me. A lot of people care. Fran cares.

I care.

Gandalph says, “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”

I decide, right here, right now, to live a fuller life, to get into shape no matter what it takes, to give of myself, to finish my book and write more. I choose, right here, right now, to change my life.

After I wrote all that, my computer bugged out. David and I spent quite a lot of time trying to get it going. Nothing worked. I probably need a new one if I’m going to work for Traffic Logic.

I’m not going to let it get me down. It’s just a computer. I need to deal with it. The Universe is not against me — not if I believe in myself.

I think I’m going to find out what my house is worth and I’m going to refinance it, redo the family room floor, buy a new stove & refrigerator, oh, and pay my taxes. And buy a computer and maybe a 27″ TV.

Quite a plan — and all the while, I’ll be losing weight!

I need to make good decisions and stop being afraid.

What the heck! I think I’ll give it all a try.

Did I mention how much I love David and Jen and how incredible they are and how much the love me?

They’re unbelievable! And I deserve them and their love, because I love them with all my heart. Always!
Kathleen A. Gagne