Kathie Gagne died 4,641 days ago.

There Were Good Times, Too
January 23rd, 2010 @ 12:29 pm
September 9, 2012: I finally managed to get into my mom’s Yahoo! mail account. I had tried to get into it a few days after she died, but I got a message telling me that because she hadn’t authenticated in over four months, her account had been purged. I tried again tonight just for the hell of it and all of her mail — and sent items — are still there.

My mom attempted to send me this message, but she addressed it incorrectly and I never received it. There are several others like this. So now I am … I don’t even know where to begin thinking that she may have been under the impression that I was simply ignoring her emails …

Dear David,

Shortly after you got off the phone with me this morning, I got a call from Terry who works at Waverly. She wanted to know whether I wanted to renew my lease for six more months.

I told her I would call her back, and I have ten days to do so.

I really don’t want to move. I just want a place where I can, maybe, for the first time, have a roommate.

I am truly sorry for all the trouble I have caused you. I can’t tell you how much I love you and [my sister].

I tried to support you both when you were kids, and I loved you with all my heart.

I will always remember how proud I am of you, and, with help, I hope to become a much better person in your lives.

I know that you will probably not understand, but, I grew up into someone I don’t like very much. I never felt love from Nana, except when I intiaited a hug. I never had father or mother to help me grow. Nana was always working for other people, raising money and working. When we moved into the house next door, I thought it might be better. Nana never taught me how to relate to men, so I took refuge in the copious amounts of food that Nana cooked. I suppose I could have not eaten the way Nana and Papa and [her brother] ate, but there was always ice cream, and cakes and cookies.

I knew that I needed help, and Dr. Shoemaker directed me to Anne Bicknese. She really helped, but, by that time. Anne Bicknese had gone through hell in WW2. She had a different focus, and, for as long as I continued to see her, I felt better. I never wore pretty dresses except for church. I went to my senior prom with a distant cousin I barely knew.

I did get involved in theater in middle school, but I had no friends. One time, I bought a cheap boy’s ring and wore it around my neck, telling my classmates that my boyfriend went to another school.

Papa mostly scared me. He and Nana fought almost constantly, and I can’t tell you how many books I wrote shorthand in my room with the door closed. I always wished I could lose weight, but I never could. Nana would go on Weight Watchers, and, one time, I went with her and lost 80 pounds. I felt really great for a few months, and then it was all back on. I have probably lost about 300 pounds in my life.

I don’t know if you could call me terrified all the time, but arguments happened over who got the last donuts, or who said a word wrong, or if Papa thought he heard Nana talking to a man on the phone. I hid. I hid all the time.

Now, when it’s too late, I wish I had looked for a roommate at some point.. It might have made all the difference. I know this is all old news.

But, there were good times, too. I remember one time when I only had ten dollars left. We called our little adventures, like going to Ron Johns, and each of you had a dollar to spend. That left me with about six dollars. Maybe I did some things right.

You both turned out great! And I love you both with all my heart.

MOM

Free Health Care Counselling
January 20th, 2010 @ 10:13 am

This is the last email I received from my mom:

Dear David,

I personally contacted a representative at Daytona Beach State College asking if I could get free counselling. She advised me that I was not eligible for free counselling because I am not a student at the college.

I then contacted Embry-Riddle University and was told the same thing.

I did, however, discover that they had a department of health and public services. I thought that might work, but the phone lines were busy every time I tried to speak to someone.

The last organization I contacted was the Women’s Center. I was also able to talk to one other person who reommended the Women’s Center as well.

I am planning to search for jobs online for the rest of the day.

I will be taking a walk when I finish this letter.

I love you very much and would be deeply grateful if you would speak to me with respect. Some day, your child might like you to show the same respect I give you.

Love,
Mom

Getting Help
January 19th, 2010 @ 10:40 am

I received this email from my mom. It is one of the last times she emailed me:

Dear David,

I was up early today. I went to the UCF campus and spoke with a woman who was going to contact a psychologist, Dr. Faughty, who might be able to help me with some of my issues.

Obviously, if the cat scan was accurate and correct, but I am still having problems, there must be something else going on. I had to do something. I don’t know if I will get a call any time soon, but I hope to hear from Dr. Faughty, or someone he recommends.

I’m really excited about the “gigantic” baby, too!

I’m going to have some lunch and head out with resumes with the hope that someone will respond.

I should probably think about looking for another place to live, maybe a smaller condo somewhere.

I’m trying to attack all of my battlefields. I would hate to have to move from here, but I will take anything, even without the river.

I love you very much and hope that you can send pics soon.

Motivation
January 14th, 2010 @ 2:22 pm

At the beginning of 2010 I sent this email to my mom:

Mom,

I still don’t know if you’re receiving emails from me, but I will keep sending them just the same…

From the New York Times:

In a 2006 study of people aged 60 to 79, those who were assigned to walk briskly three days a week for 45 minutes a day experienced an increase in the brain’s volume, especially in regions involved in memory, planning and multitasking.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/12/health/12brod.html

Ford Motor Credit Payment Plan
January 13th, 2010 @ 9:43 am

In early January of 2010 I was doing my best to help manage mom’s finances from 3,000 miles away. I had online access to her Bank of America checking account and would sent payments on her behalf. She seemed to be physically fine when I talked to her on the phone — better than ever, actually — but she wouldn’t reply to emails or use the computer at all and was sick with worry about her long-term unemployment.

I wrote her an email shortly after she received a threatening letter because she had missed making multiple car payments.

 
 

She replied to me the next night with just three short sentences:

 
 
A Hard Email to Read
January 6th, 2010 @ 11:22 am

I just received the following email from my sister:

Oh, I haven’t been able to figure out Mom’s mental deal. [name redacted] suggested it could be a thyroid thing which she says docs are discovering affects a lot of women, causing weight gain and depression, etc. Not all of it, but it could be part of it. Also, Mom will be going along fine and then something about money comes up – like a bill in the mail, or she will ask me again about your plan – and it seems awhile after that she has a “meltdown” of mental functioning, i.e. inability to comprehend a recipe. Really, twice she has just not been able to follow the directions. She gets all flustered and proceeds downhill. (My frustration probably does not help.) But I told her I think it gets worse the more stress she starts feeling about making a mistake, or not remembering, or whatever. Trying to get her to re-focus and calm herself. I don’t know. Not too thrilled with her driving but, then again, I am not a big fan of my other roommate’s driving either (I find some similarities between them that at times that is disturbing). I told mom she has made idols out of money, you, and me, and that none of us will ever provide her true joy. I think she likes the church we attended. They also have groups that meet during the week. Help me encourage her to keep going. It is pretty small; a woman that introduced herself to us the first visit, came back up to mom on our second visit two weeks later. It might be hard for her to go unnoticed for too long, and the people seemd very warm and welcoming.

Depression
November 21st, 2009 @ 5:24 pm

My mom sent me an email with the subject line “Hi, David”:

I guess I can at least figure out how to send an email message to my favorite son!!!

I realy wish I could spend more time with you and [name redacted].

I suppose it’s not as much fun for you when you come to see me. I know my depression has always been a problem. It’s really hard to be so far away and without a job.

I’m hoping that issue will be fixed in the near future. [name redacted] sent me information about the New York Times job list.

I hope that you know that, no matter how much I may have hurt youbecause I was depressed, I have always loved you more than life itself. I can’t wait to see you and [name redacted]. Let me know what you think she might like for Christmas.

I love you sooooo much,

Mom

A New Computer
October 13th, 2009 @ 1:23 pm

My mom sent me an email with the subject line “MacBook Pro”:

 
 

I replied to her:

 
 
Thinking of You
October 10th, 2009 @ 12:00 pm

Mom sent the following note inscribed in a slim greeting card. There’s a painting of a parrot-type bird on the front captioned “Thinking of You” and based on the copyright on the back of the card it looks like one that came in a bunch after she’d made a donation to the World Wildlife Fund.

Continue reading …

A Web Page?
July 22nd, 2009 @ 11:50 am

Towards the end of July of 2009, mom sent me an email asking about how to build a web page. I replied to her, but she never mentioned it again and I forgot all about it. I wonder what she wanted to do …

 
 
 
 
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