Jen came over tonight, and we watched the Thursday shows. She calls it Mom Night. I love the time we spend together. If only David were here, it would be perfect!

I gave Jen her pumpkin. I guess I’ll mail David’s out tomorrow. It’s probably silly to give them each their miniature pumpkin now, but, since neither of them has provided me with grandchildren yet … hehe!

I’ve been watching Oprah lately. She’s had some really good shows, things that help.

Maybe all this input will begin to sink in.
Kathleen A. Gagne

I saw Susan today. We spoke about some of the things that have been hurting me most of my life. We have to work on getting my feelings to match my intellect. She said my catastrophizing symptoms primarily and some situations is due to irrational thoughts. She said I should write down what I was experiencing and then literally tear up the paper and throw it away. It sounds promising. Maybe I’ll try it.

I got a callback from Tracy Baglia at Naylor today. She said they’re not going to fill the editorial position for a couple of months but that she wanted to do a phone interview with me for the sales position. We set it up for 2:00 tomorrow. What a change of direction that would be! But, what if I could make some good money? And what if getting my foot in the door might lead to something else?

I brought a 3-page piece from Marina’s Escort to the Writer’s Group last night. I would say it was received very enthusiastically, even my “setting up” of the plot. Mary said she loved it, and Jan said he thought it was very well done, and Christy said it was funny and sexy and filled with tension. I think I may need to make Deke a little gruffer — maybe even have him work on a persona. It was great fun!

I’m really worried about David. I hate it that he’s in Los Angeles right now but I can’t imagine him leaving [redacted]. I hope he takes enough time to be really sure of what he wants out of life.

But, more than that, I’m really worried about him flying to Hawaii at the end of this month. I know it’s a wonderful chance for him, but the world seems to be falling apart, and, god, he’s so far away!

Barbara says it’s a really safe time to fly. I don’t know. I only know that I couldn’t bear it. Maybe this is part of what Susan and I were talking about. Maybe I need to be able to fly myself. But, if I couldn’t do it before, how could I do it now?

Jen and I miss him so much. Why do people constantly have to go away? How much more special now is the wonderful times I spent with David and Jen when I first moved here. Who would have known that a year later David would be all the way across the country?

I love them so much.
Kathleen A. Gagne

I tried it today. I sat and thought about myself as a child. The scenes that came easily were the times I felt along (in a closet hiding with the money, in my bed on Lakeside, writing at my rolltop desk, in my big room at Nana’s). And I tried to reach out to that lonely little girl. And I saw myself out on the field at Wyman, always the new kid, never feeling good enough. I tried to tell her she was not alone, and then I realized that she still feels the same way.

I think I did something wrong, and maybe it was bad timing because I just got a rejection letter from the only interview I had. Maybe I’m not supposed to tell her that she’s not alone. Maybe I’m just supposed to let her know that I cherish her. If I love her, do I love who she is now?

I think Susan may [be] one of the most important people who has ever entered my life. She listens, lets me ramble, and then, with a few words, points me in a new direction. I hope we are able to work all this self-image stuff out, because it occurs to me that a lot of my future may depend on it.
Kathleen A. Gagne

It’s been weird lately — and scary. There has been anthrax in Florida and New York — one at a sleazy newspaper office and 1 at 30 Rock — the NBC studio.

I had “bad” dreams about David last night and didn’t get much sleep and, when I called David today, he sounded all stuffed. He said it started yesterday, and it’s allergies, but, of course, I’m very scared for him, my beautiful, wonderful, bright, shining child, whose awe and wonder at the world has always given me unspeakable joy. Please …

A couple of things are in the works on the job front, but nothing solid yet. One is an inside sales position with a publisher where I could make a lot of money. I’m actually thinking about it …

Susan says I need to go back and cherish the child that I was, the one who felt so lonely and afraid. I’ve heard that before, back at St. Pat’s, from Fran and the Dominicans, I think. I probably really need to do that, but I’m not sure how it will erase the fact that I didn’t feel loved …

I’m trying to lose weight — again. I feel so old sometimes, especially when I think of all the lost years. Jen told me today she really wants me around for a long time.
Kathleen A. Gagne