I found dozens of mom’s journals after she died. One of them is titled “Letters to Mom”. It’s a collection of letters she wrote to her mother — my “Nana Anna” — starting about four months after her death.

These posts are entries from that journal.

New Cycle
March 6th, 2010 @ 12:00 pm

March 6, 2010 Imagine we’re in a completely new cycle. I have a beautiful dog and a silly black cat. I’ve reconnected with Cricket and Gary, and I hope to see them soon. again. Kathleen A. Gagne This is the last entry mom wrote in her “Letters to Mom” journal. It’s the only entry without […]

February 4th, 2010 @ 12:00 pm

Dear Mom, I wish that I could understand why life gets so screwed up. Somehow, I’m sitting in a rented condo, watching CSI. I’m still alone. Jen is in Seattle and David is still in Los Angeles. [Redacted] and David are very happy. Soon they will be presenting you with a great grandchild. I’m very […]

Gone with the Wind
February 21st, 2009 @ 12:00 pm

2/21/09 Hi, Mom, I’m watching Gone With the Wind. Daddy really did look like Clark Gable. It makes me feel close to you. I wish we could watch it together some day. Maybe I’ll ask Jen to watch it someday soon. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss you! Clark Gable […]

Mr. P.B.
September 17th, 2008 @ 12:00 pm

Sept. 17, 2008 Mom, Mr. P.B. died Sunday morning. I guess most people wouldn’t understand, but it really hurts to lose him. One of the singers on America’s got talent sang “In the arms of the angels.” He was so tiny and so sick. He died here on my couch with me giving him as […]

September 1st, 2008 @ 12:01 pm

Sept. 1, 2008 Hi, Mom, It’s me again. I wish I could be more like you. You had faith, and you always kept going. I have no one. I just wish you were here to tell my kids that I need them. I feel sick and alone all the time. I feel like giving up, […]

Every Weekend
September 1st, 2008 @ 12:00 pm

September 1, 2008 Hi, Mom, It’s been a long time. I miss you every day. I still call your phone to hear your voice. I miss your smile and your hugs, and your unconditional love. I hate what happened to you, and I wish I could have done more for you. Do you remember that […]

March 16th, 2008 @ 12:00 pm

3/16/08 Dear Mom, I’m in a mess again. I’m losing my best job on July 31, and I have no idea what to do. I’m depressed. I’m lonely. I’m scared. I wish I had family around me. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I can teach, but I don’t think it will save my […]

February 19th, 2008 @ 12:00 pm

2/19/08 Hi, Mom, I’m in the fourth day of a four day weekend. I should be having fun, but I have almost no friends. I never know how to make friends. I felt really sick yesterday, and had no-one to call. I worry about my weight. I need to lose 100 lbs! I worry about […]

Begin to Live
February 12th, 2008 @ 12:00 pm

2/12/08 Hi, Mom, I’m a mess! I feel as if I’ve always been alone and always will be. I don’t know that I’ve ever truly connected with anyone, except maybe David and Jen when they were little. I always feel inferior. I get so angry. I just want to believe I have value to someone. […]

January 30th, 2008 @ 12:00 pm

1/30/08 Hi, Mom, I miss you sooo much! I’m trying to lose weight again. I got all the way up to 274.5 over the holidays, what with the broken ribs and all. I think I may have lost about 6.5 pounds in a week. I hope it keeps up at that rate. I’m going to […]