Went for the biopsy today. It wasn’t bad but it was a lot more complicated and real than I had expected. Got some good stuff from Susan.

I was wondering — why have I always had so much trouble figuring out what I want to do or what would make me happy? What is that elusive thing I’m looking for? What perfect choice or decision?

Am I afraid to pick something and then fail at it? Is what I really want so outrageous I can’t admit it? Or am I making a decision by not making one?

Why do I feel like I always want more, but what more is, I don’t know? I’m sure there are some of my friends, i.e. Fran, who would say that the thing I’m looking for is God.

And, when it all comes down to it, where is the answer?

I think I know now that I really want to write a book.

More importantly, I want to find a way to help […] [redacted] […] I honestly, truly, don’t want David and Jen to hurt the way I’ve hurt most of my life. And sometimes I wonder if I’m the one who failed them. But I love them so much, and they are so wonderful.
Kathleen A. Gagne