Kathleen A. Gagne

Kathie Gagne died 4,662 days ago.

November 30th, 2007 @ 12:00 pm

11/30/07
Hi, Mom,

Christmas is coming. I wish I could go out and buy you a gift.

Maybe I’ll make a donation in your name.

I don’t know yet if David and [redacted] are coming. Jen will be here the Thursday before Christmas and will leave the day after.

I’m thinking about getting a bigger TV. Not sure when.

I still really, really miss you. It’s hard almost every night at 7:00. I’m sorry I didn’t come to you when you called that night. I think I’ll regret it forever.

If you’re there, I hope you’re happy.

I love you,
Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

We Were All Screwed Up

November 29th, 2007 @ 12:00 pm

Dear Mom,

I hurt all over. It’s winter, and I’m having trouble breathing. I’ve been feeling bad since I got home from Maui.

I wonder if you were watching. It was strange, but David is really happy.

I really need to lose weight! Any tips? Not funny.

Sometimes I get mad at you and Daddy for all the sweets. My chances of losing what I need to lose and keeping it off are slim.
I guess we were all screwed up.

Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

A Wreck

November 28th, 2007 @ 12:00 pm

11/28/07 — a month after your b-day

Hi, Mom,

I’m a wreck.

I’m wanting to always lose weight, but I’m under so much pressure at work, and even at home, with bills and all.

I just keep eating all the time. I had lost 10 lbs., but I’ve gained some back. I wish there was a magic way to lose weight.

I want to live at least as long as you did, but I want to be healthy. If I lose 70 lbs., maybe all my joints won’t hurt, and maybe I’ll be able to breathe.

If you truly are there somewhere, can you pick a saint to pray to for me? I’ll be 60 soon, and I need help to be healthy.

I wish I could talk to you.

I love you,
Kathie.

By this weekend, I’ll have a diet plan!

I’m having neck, eye, and shoulder problems, and my head often feels weird.
Kathleen A. Gagne

Thanksgiving

November 22nd, 2007 @ 12:00 pm

Hi, Mom,

It was Thanksgiving today, the first one without you. Nic sat where you usually sat in your wheelchair.

Dic cried.

I miss you so much! You can’t imagine what I would give for one of your smiles or a great, big hug.

Just before you died, I bought Uno. I thought you and Jen and I could play when you get better.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you left. I really wanted to be there, and it broke my heart that Jen and I were ten minutes late.

You’ve left a huge hole in my heart, and, if there is a heaven, I hope you’re enjoying it. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all you did for me and David and Jen.

I love you. I miss you. I honor you.

Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

Dreams

November 12th, 2007 @ 12:00 pm

Dear Mom,

It dawned on me over the weekend that I never asked you what your dreams were. Maybe you didn’t have any beyond marriage and children, but I suspect that’s not the whole story.

I’m sorry if some of your dreams didn’t come true. I know you loved to travel, and you did that. Remember all the bowling trips? and Italy twice? And Canada with Daddy and Dick and me?

I know you loved having your own business. You were a natural. I only wish you had listened to me about Aunt Dora and Uncle Rocco.

I don’t remember if I ever told you about doing jewelry work with Daddy at the kitchen table. We watched the Stalag show.

You were working at Star Market, I think.

I hope enough of your dreams came true so that you were happy most of the time.

I Love You,
Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

Magazines

November 11th, 2007 @ 1:26 pm

Several months after she died, I found a file on mom’s computer named November 11.doc and dated December 4, 2007. It’s a letter she wrote to a magazine subscription department, but — unfortunately — I can’t tell which magazine it was. It’s so strange to read this and wonder what she was thinking and why she was so upset about it.

November 11, 2007

To Whom It May Concern:

Albert Tunks and his family moved out of this address nearly 8 years ago. I have been receiving your magazine ever since then.

I recycle it, but it is annoying to keep getting it especially after I have sent you about a dozen requests to stop sending it.

The following numbers were on the issue I received yesterday:

OUM0024353229/6# 0014629 ED 11-A20 C04

PLEASE STOP SENDING YOUR MAGAZINE TO MY ADDRESS IMMEDIATELY!!!! YOU ARE WASTING YOUR MAGAZINE, YOUR POSTAGE, AND MY TIME!

If there is no one there who can handle this issue, please advise me as to whom I should contact to get this matter cleared up.

K. Gagne
6110 NW 30th Terrace
Gainesville, FL 32653

PS. I would appreciate notice that you have received this letter and complied with my request or that you have contacted Albert Tunks who either does not care about actually getting your magazine or is ripping you off for two copies.

November 8, 2007

November 8th, 2007 @ 12:00 pm

Mom,

Your voice is back. God, I miss you!

Love,
Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

Trust

November 8th, 2007 @ 12:00 pm

Dear Mom,

Sometimes you drove me crazy. I felt as if I was an alien in the family.

I was always dreaming. I still dream. I still hope.

I was thinking about some of the things you and Daddy did that really hurt me.

You gave away my dog, my Blackie, and you let me cry for weeks until I felt I was getting sick.

I don’t think anything could ever match the trust you broke when I found out you had given him away. Getting him back was great, but when he disappeared again it was the last straw. I don’t know if I have ever really trusted anyone since then (except, maybe, Sr. Fran).

Even now, after all these years, it’s hard to say, “I forgive you,” but I say it in the hope that it means something to the universe and to you.

Love,
Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

Your Voice

November 7th, 2007 @ 12:00 pm

Mom,

We lost your voice today. T-Mobile had a glitch and your, “Hi. This is Anne. Speak your peace,” went away.

I feel really bad for Dic. He’s been calling you every day, and I don’t think there’s a way to get it back.

I wish we had taken more video of you, and certainly more audio. I have lots of pictures, though, and you’re beautiful in every one of them.

I really miss your hugs!

Love,
Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

As Long As You Did

November 4th, 2007 @ 12:00 pm

Hi, Mom,

The Patriots just beat the Colts. Stressful game!

Donna and I went to see a funny romance movie called “Dan in Real Life”. It was pretty good.

I’ve been really tired lately, probably because I’m not eating right.

I think what I need to do is start eating right just because I want to live as long as you did.

I’m planning to get a bigger TV when I get my raise. I’ll also try to have a mega-yard sale next Saturday. I have way too much stuff in the house and shed.

By the way, if we don’t get money from the lawsuit, I may be in real trouble financially. If you’re there somewhere listening, can you keep an eye on me and my kids?

I wish I could talk to you right now.

I love you,
Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne