Kathie Gagne died 4,638 days ago.
1/22/07
I call Mom every night. Tonight she was concerned about where all her furniture got to when she was in the hospital. I explained it all to her, but it really hurts to know she’s losing ground.
David called, bemoaning the Pats’ loss. I told him he got me a watch for Christmas. We talked about TVs — I asked if he meant what he said about buying anything I want from Sears. He said I could get a TV.
My son and daughter love me.
1/21/07
I thought about going to church today, but the same dilemma holds. I’d be going for Jen, maybe David.
The truth is what I wrote the other day.
I’m alone.
I don’t know what to do about an all-powerful being.
Nor do I know how to get people in my life. Outside my family, the two most precious of whom are far away, I have no one who cares even enough to call me.
Four years ago, there was Karen, but she turned away, and I have no idea why.
So, I guess I won’t go to church today.
1/19/07
It’s amazing how much better I feel after just a few days of eating the right food.
I’ve decided not to weigh myself until Feb. 7, the day I go to Orlando for a PD Conference / Training.
Blessed are those who know
what on earth they are on
earth to do and set themselves
about the business of doing it.
(In the eye of the storm)I still can’t see, feel, taste a being who never listens, who doesn’t make its presence known in my life, who has left me alone my whole life except for a few precious years with David & Jen.
1/15/07
I can’t seem to get on track. It’s hard to think about God when I feel as if there’s no solution to my weight problem.
I know I’m not healthy right now.
I’ve eaten so much junk.
Every day I try, and every day I fail. I’m not sure I can hope anymore, and I know if I don’t change I’ll miss half my life.
I thought about refusing to Die-t and creating a Liv-it plan for myself.
Maybe.
1/14/07
I keep thinking about dieting. It suddenly dawned on me that the word starts with a loss — die. Maybe I can develop a live-it plan to change my life.
I don’t know what “home” is unless it’s inside me. Jen said she was coming home for Christmas and that “home is where the Mom is.”
The journal in which mom wrote this entry is peppered throughout with little quotes and aphorisms. She underlined (in pencil) the one on this page; it was clearly important to her. So I am including it here:
You will never be completely happy on earth simply because you were not made for earth.
When God Whispers Your Name
1/8/07
The Gators won the National Championship. It was beyond cool.
It made me think of losing. Funny, but I always seem to be losing, everything except weight, and that is a loss, too. I’m almost always alone. I have no friends nearby, and I don’t know how to get them.
I feel drained. I feel tired. I feel lost.
I want to move forward. Jen and David want me to find God, but I don’t know how. I don’t know if I can believe.
Even when I was a child, I was always alone. Jen & David are my joy but they’re so far away.
1/3/07
Hard day at work. Exhausted. Need to get to Dr. Akey, but no money. Lots of rain — no leak in living room.
I wish I could figure out how to do it. I need to lose weight and keep it off. I’m scared.
I don’t know about God.
I wish I could feel something, but my heart, for God, is cold.
1/2/07
I need to get some help. I’ll probably call one of the therapists recommended by Marcia at Alliance of Mind & Body. I need to look up clubs, but I’m thinking more about volunteering.
I think I have a roof leak.
I wish I knew if there was a God.
Dic has diabetes. I’m exhausted all the time. Allergies? Stress?
Maybe one step at a time will do it. Get some support. Get organized.
Are you there?
God — or no God — I need to establish goals. I don’t know where to start.
1/1/07
I want to change my life. I don’t know how. It’s New Year’s Day 2007, and I’m alone. I’m always alone except when Jen and David are here, or I go to them.
I never learned how to relate to men.
I find it hard to make friends.
I’m told I have to love myself before I can love others and others will love me.
I’m told I need to find God, but I don’t know where to look. I don’t feel anything. I am overwhelmed and lack resources on so many fronts.
This note is written on a single, small sheet of paper. It’s so short and simple, but I remember being happy to receive it. I can’t tell whether it was mom or Jenny, but one of them drew a smiling cartoon face on the bottom of the page.