Kathie Gagne died 4,642 days ago.
Here’s a short note mom sent me one Easter. It was inside a hand-crafted red greeting card with a swatch of blue felt on the front and a cut-out of a hand making “I love you” in sign language, which was something mom, my sister, and I all started doing at some point in the 90s.
I guess she sent this shortly after she learned how to play Scrabble against me online via a Yahoo! web app.
Continue reading …
Here’s a letter mom wrote in early 2003 to the billing department of Horizon Healthcare Center, one of the assisted living facilities where my grandmother lived. I don’t know if she actually printed this and mailed it to them, although I assume she did.
Continue reading …
Jen is home and David is coming the 22nd — for a whole week.
I’m having a colonoscopy Tuesday. Ugh. I guess I think all will be well, but, just in case —
David & Jen, I loved you
before you were born. You are
the light and hope of my
life — and you have both
brought me more joy than
you will ever know.
Take care of each other always.Anyway, I’ll write again Tuesday — after the test …
Kathleen A. Gagne
It’s been a long time, but I wanted to write down what Susan said today. She said:
“Challenge your irrational thoughts!”What a concept!
David and [redacted] are coming for Christmas from the 22nd to the 30th! And I’m off all those days! Wow! Now, if we could only come up with some money!
With any luck, I’ll lose another 20 pounds by then.
I’m going to try yoga with Anita tomorrow night.
More and more, I’m thinking about my life. I wonder if it should be a comedy or a drama …
Kathleen A. Gagne
Yesterday was my 54th birthday. Jen is here — God, how wonderful she is! David called a couple of times. (He was in an accident Friday — (while we were talking on the phone.) He’s okay, but he’s really stressed about money. He told me how broke he is for the first time.
Kathleen A. Gagne
It has been a long time since I’ve even thought about writing …
I’ve gained back the 23 pounds I lost before Jen & I went to Rhode Island. I’m also stressed, having problems breathing, and tired all the time. I’ve been feeling as if there’s nothing I can do about it — ever.
But that’s not true. I can change my life. I’ve done it before. I just need to keep trying until I get it right. I need to stop acting as if there’s some unseen force out there preventing me from getting where I want to be. There is no force — it’s only me. The power really is mine. The choice is mine. It always has been.
Susan said yesterday that eating is the one thing in our lives we can totally control. And I’ve been using food, I know, to both feel good and to punish myself.
I deserve the best there is in the world! I believe that I am worthy! I believe I can do this!
I believe it because I would tell anyone else, no matter how much they felt unworthy, that they deserve all the good things they want in their lives. Why not me? I am a good person. I don’t know where I got my fears or the deep-seated feelings that I am unworthy. Those are pretty strong feelings. But they cannot, will not, control me forever. I deserve better. And I am the only one who hasn’t believed that until now.
Jen and David really, really love me. They see me as worthy. So does Susan. So does Anita. So does Barbara. So do Dic and Ann. A lot of people are really happy when good things happen for me. A lot of people care. Fran cares.
I care.
Gandalph says, “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”
I decide, right here, right now, to live a fuller life, to get into shape no matter what it takes, to give of myself, to finish my book and write more. I choose, right here, right now, to change my life.
After I wrote all that, my computer bugged out. David and I spent quite a lot of time trying to get it going. Nothing worked. I probably need a new one if I’m going to work for Traffic Logic.
I’m not going to let it get me down. It’s just a computer. I need to deal with it. The Universe is not against me — not if I believe in myself.
I think I’m going to find out what my house is worth and I’m going to refinance it, redo the family room floor, buy a new stove & refrigerator, oh, and pay my taxes. And buy a computer and maybe a 27″ TV.
Quite a plan — and all the while, I’ll be losing weight!
I need to make good decisions and stop being afraid.
What the heck! I think I’ll give it all a try.
Did I mention how much I love David and Jen and how incredible they are and how much the love me?
They’re unbelievable! And I deserve them and their love, because I love them with all my heart. Always!
Kathleen A. Gagne
I must have asked my mom for my grandmother’s mailing address, most likely because I wanted to send her a birthday card. She sent me this email:
From: Gagne, Kathie
To: Gagne, David
Subject: Nana
Sent: August 27, 2002 6:55 PMNana is at:
Peridot Place
252 Lake Forest Blvd. Room 142
Daytona Beach, FL 32119Main number is:
386-760-7174If you call that number, they’ll go get her. And she has a phone out in the hall (like college) until hers is hooked up.
She’s loving it. [My uncle] said she was making brownies today, and she really loves her little “apartment” and her roommate says Nana can be her brains and she will be Nana’s legs. She pushes Nana to lunch and stuff, and Nana reminds her of things. Of course, Nana forgets A LOT, too….
I love you, my wonderful, incredible, slightly goofy, son. Your imperfections make you perfect.
Mom
I feel pretty sad today. Jen breezed in and out like a wraith and I can’t believe how much I already miss her. I won’t see her again for almost two months.
God, I’m so alone! I never seem to lose weight — I can’t find enough money — and I’m so alone.
But I am trying to focus sometimes on what I’m grateful for. Of course it’s Jen and David. I can’t believe how much they love me! I feel so unworthy (but, then, that’s the story of my life). David has been messaging me every day — a lot. And he’s even telling me how much he loves me — in capital letters!
I’ve been thinking about Pudge. I hope his passing is easy. I don’t know how those people can do what they do! My heart goes out to them.
Jen’s supposed to call when she gets to the [redacted]’s. I can’t wait to hear her voice!
It’s been a year since I left Cox.
Call soon, Jen!
Kathleen A. Gagne
Jen slept with me last night. She came home late and I was zonked. [Redacted] slept in Jen’s bed and Jen in mine. When we woke up this morning, we were pretty silly. Shia Khan was on the bed. Then we got up and had breakfast & Jen and [redacted] left to wander around time. We met at Farah’s for lunch and, around, three o’clock, they headed for Tampa.
I’m so grateful she came. I love every minute with Jen. [Redacted] and I actually had a couple of short conversations. I wish I could feel that [redacted] likes me, but it’s been years, maybe 7 or 8, and I don’t see her ever changing her mind. I think Jen may feel bad about it, but I can’t think of anything to do to change it.
It’s raining now. I need to finish 3 sites this weekend (for traffic logic, David’s company). Jen said she’s call when they get to Tampa.
God, how I love her. I already miss her terribly. But it was so great to see her and hug her.
Kathleen A. Gagne
Jen and [redacted] got here about ½ hour ago. I guess I’ll get to spend about five hours with Jen and then I won’t see her until the end of September. That’s about 6 weeks. But then, I think she’s staying a week.
I want to write about Pudge, a stray I had picked up. I gave him a name because I didn’t like just calling him a stray. I was going to try to be his foster mom, but it turned out that he has heartworm, a really bad skin condition from fleas, his eyes are oozing pus, and his ears are infected, and he’s missing a few teeth. He’s pretty afraid of people. And they’re going to euthanize (sp) him soon because I don’t have the $1000 or so it would take to get him to where he would be reasonably healthy — if he could even survive the heartworm treatment. The vet there said Pudge would be “quite a project” and, “if I wanted to save a dog, I should save a young, healthy one because they have to kill a lot of them, too.” I guess I’m the only being on the planet that doesn’t think Pudge should just be thrown away. And I can’t figure out a way to do anything. Unless I could get someone to give me a couple of thousand dollars …
Damn. God-damn!
Kathleen A. Gagne