I’m sitting in my car letting my cell phone charge. What makes this worthy of a journal entry is that my car is parked in the driveway of the House of Faith, St. Patrick’s Parish, Providence, RI.
We did it! Jen and I drove up, our “funky road trip.”
And, wow!, I had Fran in the same room as David and Jen.
She is so incredible! She loves everyone. When I remarked about the change (revitalization — incredible!)
ofof thein the neighborhood, I said, “You did it!” She looked at me and said, “We did it! You are a part of it.” Later, she said I had saved Bill. Someone noticed.He’s getting married again tomorrow morning. I hope it goes really well for him and that he finally finds some peace.
David & Jen & [redacted] and I went to Federal Hill last night. We had pizza at Casserta’s and I took pictures of Gasbarro’s and County Loan. We might go back again before we leave.
I kept say “David and [redacted]” when we somehow got on to the subject of weddings. [Redacted] loved it! Apparently, they’ve been discussing it.
My remarkable Jen said she wanted to see her dad & his family, but she also wanted to come back to my end of RI and spend some time hearing my stories and walking around with me.
It’s freezing! It rained from 8:00 Thursday night until I went to bed last night (Fri), and now it’s drizzling again and very cold, and, of course, I expected it to be warm.
I may have to break down and buy a jacket or something.
I feel great! Peaceful. Loving the old tenements. (I love old houses & buildings!).
Fran is incredible. Did I already say that? There are a lot of people here who love me. Me. Just me, just as I am.
Kathleen A. Gagne
Kathie Gagne died 4,645 days ago.
-
- Sister Fran Conway and Helen. Fran was my rock. She is a true saint and one of the funniest, most caring people you will ever meet.
See also: Sister Fran
Mom's Caption: Gasbarro's Liquor where the DiFolco's got their wine.
Jen called from [redacted]’s parents’ cabin around 11:00 last night! Yea!
I called to wish David good luck on starting his new job tomorrow, but [redacted] said he started today.
Filled out vacation request.
Still eating everything in sight.
Kathleen A. Gagne
6:15
In a couple of hours, I have to start getting ready to go to Project Graduation at the O’Connell Center to recruit members for next year. It’s pretty daunting because I will most likely be doing it completely alone — unless one volunteer shows up.But, damnit (sp?), I’m going to do it! I’m tired of facing things with fear. I do it less now, but I still have a long way to go before I can get on a plane.
I miss Jen.
Can’t stop eating. I guess it’s a combination of Jen being away, having no money, and wondering what the hell I want to do. I thought I was getting somewhere with the food thing, but I’ve been down this road a thousand times. And it hurts more every time.
How unbelievably lucky I am to have David and Jen in my life!!!!
I’ll see Fran in about two weeks. She sounded all excited about my coming. I can’t wait for her to meet David & Jen as adults!
Kathleen A. Gagne
In less than an hour, it will be Friday which means Jen and [redacted] will be on the A Trail for only 3 1/2 more days. It seems like ages, but I guess I’m doing okay about the worrying.
Maybe I’m beginning to have some trust — but that itself scares me. My coping mechanism about bad things happening has always been to go to the worst case scenario. I refuse to do that these days, even if it’s a question of really fighting it.
Weird, huh?
I saw Susan tonight for the first time in three weeks. We just talked — me mostly. Sometimes I wonder why I even go — or why she sees me at no charge. It’s been months.
What she provides is unconditional acceptance. I don’t think I’ve ever had that before. And I think she genuinely likes me. Sometimes I feel as if I’m just griping, but tonight she said that I’ve been in “survival mode” most of my adult life and maybe that’s why I can’t figure out what I really want from / in life. I haven’t had the time … But I’m still in the same mode and more hurt than ever about it because I actually, for a while, had the audacity to think I was pulling out of it.
I guess I should be writing because it’s the only thing I can think of to do. Maybe that makes writing what I really want. But I don’t know.
Shit. I should know, shouldn’t I?
If all goes well, (hmm), Jen and I will be heading for Rhode Island in about two weeks. I really, really want to see Fran and to have her meet David and Jen as adults. It’s really important to me.
How the heck I’m going to come up with the money to do it is beyond me. And then there’s the courage part and the strength (physical). I need to see if we can leave at noon on Thursday so we can get there Friday and whether Hollie can really take care of the herd.
I think Mrs. PB is really sick — she’s looking all raggedy, and Barbara said she hasn’t been going in to eat every night. I hope none of the other animals in the neighborhood have gotten to her and that, if she’s sick, she’s not suffering. I wish I could help her, but I don’t know how I can.
Silly cat — but I love her.
So, does any of this rambling tell me who I am or what I want?
Kathleen A. Gagne
Jen is on the Trail somewhere between Mooney Gap and Fontana Dam.
I really have no money for my bills, let alone to get to R.I., and we’re going. I have to come up with some money.
And I need to figure out how to deal with Jen being gone for 5 or 6 months. What am I supposed to do? I need family around. I hate being alone.
But I’m not going to let this get me. I will figure out a way!
Kathleen A. Gagne
From: <me@kathiegagne.com>
To: Gagne, David
Subject: Jen
Sent: May 24, 2002 9:20 PMDavid,
It’s late and I’m tired. I stayed up to watch the Kings beat the crap out of the Lakers.
All of a sudden, I caught five minutes of the news, and they were talking about the Memorial Day Weekend. I didn’t even realize it was a holiday. I mean, I’ve been feeling pretty nasty all week, and I wasn’t thinking about it.
Anyway, you’ll probably think I’m a jerk because I always worry when you guys fly, but, there’s been talk about terrorist attacks over the 4th of July, and Memorial Day celebrates the end of a war…
Jen is flying out to Chicago tomorrow.
Shit, I hate feeling this way. On top of worrying about planes themselves, now we have to worry about what satan’s spawn might do.
What do you think? Am I crazy to feel as if my stomach just dropped out?
I wish neither of you ever needed to fly anywhere. I wish I could pray. I wish I wasn’t so scared. Damn it. All I want is for my family (you and Jen) to be happy and healthy and fairly close to each other. Is that so much to ask for?
It was so much easier when you were both in diapers, in cribs and playpens, and I could give you all the love you needed and take care of you and keep you from harm.
Anyway, I’m suspicious enough to think that even giving form to my fears will be bad, but I needed to talk to someone, and you’re it.
Tell me I’m a jerk.
And when she gets to Chicago, she’s taking her wonderful, rather petite self to the Trail for a week. Oh, if only you both had kids and could understand…
I love you. I’m tired.
Mom
From: Kathie Gagne <gagneka@sbac.edu>
To: Gagne, David
Subject: Nice
Sent: May 24, 2002 5:16 AMDavid,
It was pretty nice of you to call last night because you thought I would be lonely. I had just fallen asleep when you called, so I don’t remember what I said, but thanks.
Jen called a little later. For some reason, the drive took them a lot longer than the 6 hours they thought it would. Maybe it was because they had their silly dog (LOLA – who looks just like Woogie) with them. Gary gets nuts about dogs and was walking her when we met them yesterday.
Are you guys doing anything special for the long weekend? I think I’m going to sleep and work on my book. The tail end of this cold is worse than the beginning, but maybe that’s because I knew you were coming and that just makes me feel better in general.
Love you,
Mom
Jen and I drove to Sarasota yesterday to pick up David — He was Ryan and Melissa Tober’s best man. Then we drove to Daytona to see Mom & Dic
kand then back to Gainesville (Practicing for June!).I worry about David. He got really drunk the night of the wedding and was very sick. And he’s still dipping. And he denies it all. (“I hardly ever drink. I only dip once in a while.”)
He’s really so good, such a wonderful person, but he still doesn’t know. I wonder if I could have done better by him.
Everyone there adored him. Ryan’s mom told me David had turned Ryan’s whole life around!!! Ryan said David had made the wedding week perfect, and Melissa loved him for what he did. All the parents adored him. And the guests all thought he was great.
Jen and I just wanted to hug him, to be with him. He’s the other part of us, the piece that we really miss.
My beloved son in whom I am well pleased and for whom I still hope. May he find peace in his heart, in his soul.
And my beautiful angel Jen is turning 27 tomorrow. And off on another adventure. Alabama to Chicago to the Trail.
I want her to be happy, but I think she doesn’t yet realize where her happiness is.
I will really miss her this time. It has been so good having her here! She says so, too. There is a new, even more wonderful closeness between us. What a treasure!
Kathleen A. Gagne