I found dozens of mom’s journals after she died. One of them is titled “Letters to Mom”. It’s a collection of letters she wrote to her mother — my “Nana Anna” — starting about four months after her death.
These posts are entries from that journal.
12/18/07 Hi, Mom, Christmas is almost here, and I’m dreading it. I still can’t believe you’re gone. I’m angry at myself for not coming to you that night. I’m angry with my life in general. How did I end up like this? I’m so alone. I don’t want to go to Dic’s. I’m not in […]
12/11/07 Hi, Mom, Work sucks! Once again, I’m not good enough. I was mean to Jen tonight. She won’t come to live any closer. You had a loving family around you when you died. I’ll probably die alone. I don’t have any fun, hardly ever. David said he was coming for Christmas. Now he might […]
12/9/07 Hi, Mom, I went to Tampa with Donna today. Of all things, we went to see the Rockettes. They were good, and it was fun. Last night I felt really weird. Like I couldn’t think. Like I was forgetting a lot. — A lot. I’m under a lot of stress. I guess I always […]
12/8/07 Hi, Mom, It’s been a while. I’ve had a rough few weeks, and, you know me, that means eating too much and all the wrong things. I can hardly breathe when the heat comes on, and I’m a mess. I guess I’m going to Dic’s today. It’s for Ann’s Birthday. I’m getting her a […]
11/30/07 Hi, Mom, Christmas is coming. I wish I could go out and buy you a gift. Maybe I’ll make a donation in your name. I don’t know yet if David and [redacted] are coming. Jen will be here the Thursday before Christmas and will leave the day after. I’m thinking about getting a bigger […]
Dear Mom, I hurt all over. It’s winter, and I’m having trouble breathing. I’ve been feeling bad since I got home from Maui. I wonder if you were watching. It was strange, but David is really happy. I really need to lose weight! Any tips? Not funny. Sometimes I get mad at you and Daddy […]
11/28/07 — a month after your b-day Hi, Mom, I’m a wreck. I’m wanting to always lose weight, but I’m under so much pressure at work, and even at home, with bills and all. I just keep eating all the time. I had lost 10 lbs., but I’ve gained some back. I wish there was […]
Hi, Mom, It was Thanksgiving today, the first one without you. Nic sat where you usually sat in your wheelchair. Dic cried. I miss you so much! You can’t imagine what I would give for one of your smiles or a great, big hug. Just before you died, I bought Uno. I thought you and […]
Dear Mom, It dawned on me over the weekend that I never asked you what your dreams were. Maybe you didn’t have any beyond marriage and children, but I suspect that’s not the whole story. I’m sorry if some of your dreams didn’t come true. I know you loved to travel, and you did that. […]
Mom, Your voice is back. God, I miss you! Love, Kathie Kathleen A. Gagne