It’s been a rough week — lots of fears, lots of immobility, lots of eating and feeling lonely. Sometimes I feel as if I’m learning all kinds of things and changing — working to get better while accepting myself more. Other times I feel stuck, as if I physically can’t move forward or ahead, and I won’t find a job or get back to school or write.

The meeting Tuesday was good — I’m really enjoying it, and especially the numerous comments about my good insights. But now people keep asking me to bring in my work, and I don’t have any, and I’m scared.

Maybe that’s why I feel so stuck — I’m scared a new job won’t be better, new writing won’t be good.

Susan said she may be moving out of Gainesville. It doesn’t scare me, I don’t think, but I really like her and feel like she likes me and that we could do good things (for me). She says she has faith in me, that I can have the life I want.

David called the other day. They had mediation conference calls, and he has agreed to pay [redacted] over the next [redacted] years. I suppose there is some sense in that because he left her, but I have no way of knowing if she was really hurt or just put out because her life plan wasn’t working out. In any case, I don’t approve of the whole [redacted] law firm involvement and the fact that neither [redacted], nor [redacted] needs the money. It feels like spite. I wonder what I would have done.

Ms. PB was out front when I got home from watching the Gator game tonight. She clearly wanted to come in the house. I fed her, thinking she probably didn’t eat because she was here. It really breaks my heart that she can’t just be my pet. I’ve really come to love her. And then there are the two kittens at the BP station. But Ms. PB has meowed her way into my heart.

Maybe I care too much about too many things.

David no longer has to be in court in Miami 9/24. That means he won’t be here for my birthday.
Kathleen A. Gagne