After Jen called to wake me up, I was sitting in bed watching MTM, and David called and asked me if I was watching TV. He sounded funny, so I immediately thought of earthquake (there had been one in L.A. the other day).

But when I turned to the news, I saw a jetliner crashing into the second of the World Trade Center towers. The other one was already burning. The rest of the day was horrendous, like something out of a horror movie. Parts of what happened next were very much like “Independence Day” and the one about asteroids. As the towers burned, people jumped 80-90 stories and smoke kept pouring out. Then one of the towers seemed to tilt a little — and then it collapsed in on itself killing thousands of people, burying hundreds of rescue workers gathered below to help, and billowing what looked like volcanic ash through the canyons of Manhattan. In less than an hour, the other one fell, too.

Four planes were hijacked, two crashed into the towers, one into the Pentagon, and one near Pittsburgh.

Like everyone else, I was virtually paralyzed, watching and watching and watching, calling David, calling Jen, calling Dic, and watching each new scene more horrendous than the last.

I have no faith in George Bush — I don’t think he is smart enough or strong enough to lead us right now, and, like so many others around the world, I think this changes everything. It could be more than the tragedy of today. If I prayed, I would pray for wisdom for our very frail leaders …

I didn’t go to the writers’ meeting and I really missed it, but I could hardly move. Jen and Holly came over for a few minutes.

I weigh more now than I have ever weighed in my life, and, while I don’t feel like a failure about it, I know I really need to do something about it. But, what, and how and when, when I feel so stuck? Susan and Dr. Hanson said it’s not a good idea to try to lose weight when you’re under a lot of stress …

I looked at a few jobs today, but I really need to do much more. I need to plan! I’m getting really scared.

I feel so alone. I wish I had someone …

I know I have David & Jen, and I’m really grateful, but I am not their responsibility.
Kathleen A. Gagne