Kathleen A. Gagne

Kathie Gagne died 4,705 days ago.

June 23rd, 2008 @ 8:30 am

In the middle of March, 2013, I found some files on mom’s old hard drive. This Microsoft Word document titled Personal Fears.doc was dated July 20, 2008, although she had entered June 23, 2008 when she began writing it.

I’m not certain who Mary is. I am pretty sure she is a therapist mom was seeing at one point. (I have no idea if this Mary knows that mom is dead.)

June 23, 2008

Mary,

I find that I’m terrified to try to change my life. I have lost and gained 500 pounds, and I always fail.

I don’t like a lot of the foods that are healthy. I hate living alone, and I miss both of my children terribly. I have no idea why they both moved so far away, except that it might have something to do with my weight. I’m going to my son’s sister-in-law’s wedding next weekend in Daytona, and I know I’ll be the only fat one there. Everyone else is the “beautiful and rich people.” I’ll be wearing the dress I wore to my son’s rehearsal dinner in Maui.

It’s as if the only thing in my life that’s good is my dog.

I have one friend, and it’s not me.

————————————————————————

My doctor keeps changing my blood pressure medication, and, after several years with her, I don’t think she even listens to me any more.

She wrote me list of medications to take and when to take them, and she entered that I needed to take Toprol at night for palpitations. I have never used the word palpitation with her. I only mentioned one time that my previous doctor said Toprol helped to regulate heartbeats.

I have a very slight mitral valve prolapse that poses virtually no risk.

My cardiologist says I have two very slight valve issues and that my heart is in good shape and can certainly take losing up to 80 or 90 pounds.

No one knows how alone I am, or how much I still miss my mother.

I don’t know if I can be anyone else. I don’t know if I can stand to lose weight again and then gain it back.

I’m terrified. I don’t know where to turn.

I have still not had any interviews for a teaching job, so I may have no money at all very soon.

I don’t know what to do because I have no one supporting my efforts, even if I can get started. Since I left your office, I have been eating everything that is not nailed down.

I feel like a loser, and, I’m really scared. I need to lose a hundred pounds!

Wish

March 16th, 2008 @ 12:00 pm

3/16/08

Dear Mom,

I’m in a mess again. I’m losing my best job on July 31, and I have no idea what to do. I’m depressed. I’m lonely. I’m scared.

I wish I had family around me. I don’t know what to do.

Maybe I can teach, but I don’t think it will save my house.

Once again, Daddy’s words come to haunt me.

I’ll have to really cut back and find a part-time job as well.

Who cares about me, Mom?

Who cares about how I feel?

Who cares about what happens to me.

I am so alone, so lost, so scared.

I just wish I had someone to love me.

Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

Americorps

March 11th, 2008 @ 8:06 am

My mom sent me this email with the subject line “OUCH!”:

Hi, Honey,

I don’t suppose you have a job for me in LA. Turns out that my plans will all come to nothing since the district has decided not to renew the program.

I’ll be getting to 60 this year, and finding a job with great benefits may be a stretch.

On top of everything, they said I could quit any time I found a new job. Interestingly enough, while my bosses are supposed to be “Working for Children,” (new slogan), they didn’t care at all if we just dropped 275 kids who desparately need tutoring.
I’m caught between the proverbial rock and hard place.

I don’t really know where I belong, or what I can do to get through this next year or so.

Ah, well, it’s always been that way in my life…. at least financially.

I’m at a point now where I need to have family around. I hate being alone.

I hate it that students will not get the tutoring they need going forward.

I’ve been making a difference in children’s lives in this job. I don’t want to go back to making widgets.

This probably doesn’t remotely relate to your life, but mine is not so good right now.

My family is scattered. I don’t know where to go or what to do.

Love,
Mom

I replied to her a few minutes later and wrote:

Oh, Jesus, mom. That really sucks.

How long do you have left? What happens to your pension?

Have faith … everything will be okay in the end. We can deal with anything.

She wrote me at 8:53 AM Pacific to say:

It’s not like they’re firing me, just eliminating my position. They’re also taking away a lot of one-on-one time that kids desparately need it.

I guess my last day will be July 31. They’re claiming major budget cuts, but I’m not buying it. [name redacted] used to bring in 26 Million a year. Now, no one knows what to do about grants.

My pension is fully vested, but it’s not a lot of money. I have a small IRA that I’ve been paying into for about four years. I also have Social Security benefits coming, but I don’t think I’m old enough to qualify for a couple of years. Obviously, I’ll have to get a job, but I’m pushing the big 60 more every day.

I don’t want to stay in Gainesville, but I honestly don’t know where I belong. [name redacted] says that, if she ever gets married and has kids, she wants me around, but I can’t go traipsing all over the country to be with the people I love.

I just don’t know what to do… You say you won’t be in LA forever. [name redacted] wants to move to Seattle. So, where do I belong….?? I don’t want to go back to Daytona. I guess I’m basically homeless, too.

Thanks for writing back and for the inspiring words.

I love you,

Mom

Worry

February 19th, 2008 @ 12:00 pm

2/19/08

Hi, Mom,

I’m in the fourth day of a four day weekend. I should be having fun, but I have almost no friends. I never know how to make friends.

I felt really sick yesterday, and had no-one to call.

I worry about my weight. I need to lose 100 lbs! I worry about money. I worry about Jen. I worry about work.

And no one really cares about me. Jen says she does, but she’s living far away.

I feel as if I have nothing to hope for.

I ask God for help, but he never answers.

I love you,
Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

Begin to Live

February 12th, 2008 @ 12:00 pm

2/12/08

Hi, Mom,

I’m a mess! I feel as if I’ve always been alone and always will be. I don’t know that I’ve ever truly connected with anyone, except maybe David and Jen when they were little. I always feel inferior. I get so angry. I just want to believe I have value to someone.

I’m not sure that will ever happen. I don’t know that I can touch anyone’s soul or have someone touch mine.

I’m going to be 60 this year. Can I begin to live now?

I love you, Mom. I just wish you hadn’t fed us junk food so much.

Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

Robbed

January 30th, 2008 @ 12:00 pm

1/30/08
Hi, Mom,

I miss you sooo much!

I’m trying to lose weight again. I got all the way up to 274.5 over the holidays, what with the broken ribs and all.

I think I may have lost about 6.5 pounds in a week. I hope it keeps up at that rate. I’m going to go to Weight Watchers.

I’m going to be 60, Mom. I need to lose weight now, or I never will. I want to feel good about myself and the damn weight has robbed me of most of a life. I wish you and Dad had taught me better, but, at this point, it’s no longer your fault.

If you’re “there,” somewhere, keeping an eye on me and my kids, I would really appreciate it.

By the way, David’s going to the Superbowl. I think he’s leaving tomorrow. I’m happy for him.

Love you,
Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

A Great TV

January 27th, 2008 @ 12:00 pm

1/27/08

Hi, Mom,

Did I tell you I went shopping for wedding dresses again? Donna’s brother is getting married for the third time on 2/16.

Today Donna and I went to a movie called 27 Dresses. It was a cute, funny love story.

I’m so alone, and, right now, unbelievably broke. I’ll get paid on Thursday, but it will all be gone by the end of the day.

I was hoping to watch the end of the Australian Tennis championships, but I guess I got home too late.

David bought me a great TV for Christmas. It and my pets are my only company.

I miss you every day! I wish you were still here.

David and Keith are going to the Superbowl next Sunday. I hope they have a great time. I wonder if David will get special seating …

I love you, Mom,
Always,
Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

Further and Further Away

January 25th, 2008 @ 12:00 pm

1/25/08

Hi, Mom,

It’s Friday night. I’m planning to watch Australian Tennis.

I feel as if you’re going further and further away.

I wish I could really talk to you, as if you would be able to answer.

I guess that you can get used to being along. But it’s never fun.

I started to lose weight a couple of days ago. If you can, keep an eye on me because you understand.

Donna and I are going shopping for a wedding dress, for her this time. We’ll have lunch and hang out.

Oh, Mom! How I miss you!

If you’re praying for your family, remember money. I’m pretty broke right now.

I love you always,
Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

Australia

January 22nd, 2008 @ 12:00 pm

1/22/08

Hi, Mom,

I’ve been eating tons of chocolate.

I started eating right today, and I already feel better.

Look, if you’re up there, please keep an eye on David & Jenny.

I’m so far away. I miss them and you all the time.

I want to hear your voice. I want to ask you questions. I want you to laugh. You have a great laugh!

Anyway, my ribs aren’t hurting so much now. It was warm today, but it’s supposed to be cold again for the rest of the week.

Mr. P.B. has an ear infection, and I’m giving him ear drops.

Mocha is great. I love you and I think you would like her.

Anyway, I’m tired and getting ready to watch tennis.

Australian Open. I think I want to go to Australia for a vacation. Maybe Jen will come.

Love you always,

Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

Cold Inside

January 14th, 2008 @ 12:00 pm

1/14/07
Hi, Mom,

I hate to keep saying it, but I’m so alone. I have no one I can count on except myself. How the hell did this happen to me? Did I drive my kids away?

I’ve decided that I’m the only one who can change my life, but I don’t know where to start.

The obvious would be my weight because, with the fall and the broken ribs, I’m really hurting.

But, maybe it’s my heart that needs to be changed, fixed. I don’t know.

It’s been freezing in my office for over a week, and it doesn’t seem that anyone can fix it.

I’m going to see about getting a space heater. I guess I’ll have to get permission.

I’ll call Everett tomorrow. I’m even cold now. And I’m cold inside, physically cold.

Dr. Akey said it might be some element I’m not getting.

I love you, Mom.

Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

* Note that mom wrote the wrong year at the top of this journal entry. It’s entered between 1/12/08 and 1/22/08.