Kathleen A. Gagne

Kathie Gagne died 4,654 days ago.

January 12th, 2008 @ 12:00 pm

1/12/08

Happy New Year Again, Mom!

I really, really miss you. My ribs are hurting!

I took down your little tree today. At least I hope it was your tree. It was in the closet at Indigo. It looked nice. I had it on the table you bought me on Horseman.

I was such a bitch about it. I honestly don’t know why. It’s a great table! I hate it that I was so mean to you on Horseman. I hope you have forgiven me.

I was putting away ornaments, and I found some of those NOEL door-knob hangers and I started to cry again.

There is a huge, gaping hole in my heart!

I miss you so much, Mom. I hope you know that.

I love you always,
Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

Disappointed

January 11th, 2008 @ 12:00 pm

1/11/08
Hi, Mom,

Dic called me today. It’s been happening a lot.

I was feeling pretty bad with my broken ribs and all, but Dic said they were thinking of coming up tomorrow — until they realized that Amber has basketball practice tomorrow and a game on Sunday.

I actually thought they might come, and, stupid me, I was disappointed.

I’ve been here 8 yrs. They’ve been here three times. Ah, well, just goes to show you.

I love you, Mom, and I miss you terribly. I truly, truly hope that there is a heaven and that you and Daddy are having a great time.

Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

Ready to Get Started

January 8th, 2008 @ 12:00 pm

1/8/08
Hi, Mom,

Guess what. I don’t have just a muscle pull. I have that, but I also have three broken ribs. It seems so weird. Hurts like hell.

I’m tired and lonely, and I wish I could talk to you.

I really, truly need to lose weight. You know I’ll be 60 this year. Wouldn’t it be great if I could lose 60 lbs. by September?

I’m going to join Weight Watchers again, and, I guess, Curves.

I’m the only one who can change my life. I finally know that, and I’m ready to get started. If you’re there, maybe you can put in a good word for me.

I love you, Mom, and I miss you so much.

Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

Try Again

January 6th, 2008 @ 12:00 pm

1/6/08
Hi, Mom,

I’ve been home most of the week because I tore some muscles in my back when I fell.

I’m so alone. I keep wondering why. I’m huge. I think I weigh out at the highest ever.

I guess I’ll go to Weight Watchers and try again. I’ll be 60 this year, which you already know. Since 1993, I’ve lived alone.

Why? What have I done wrong? Why are both of my kids so far away?

I think my life would be better if they were close.

Love you, Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

New Year

January 1st, 2008 @ 12:00 pm

1/1/08
Hi, Mom,
Happy New Year!

I hope this year is better than last year. I miss you so much.

I fell yesterday and hurt my right shoulder. I’m in a lot of pain.

I was just wondering if you can somehow help me lose weight. That is, if you’re there.

I wish you were here.

Love,
Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

12/28/07

December 28th, 2007 @ 12:00 pm

12/28/07
Hi, Mom,
Got through Christmas, sort-of! Jen came and went.

She stayed a week. We went to a movie, and I guess we had quality time together. But she always leaves.

It hurts so much! I hardly ever see my kids, and I’m almost always alone.

Dic & Ann believe I’m going to hell because I’m not a Catholic. I have Amber for the weekend, and we’re having a good time, but Ann and Dic don’t trust me to take to a Catholic church, so they’re picking her up tomorrow.

Ah, well, at least I get to watch the Patriots.

Mocha is behaving better. She loves the pillow I bought for her.

Mom, I’m really lonely, and I don’t know how to change that.

I think I may have a plan, but I haven’t got it all figured out yet.

I love you.

I’ll let you know,
Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

Just Angry

December 18th, 2007 @ 12:00 pm

12/18/07
Hi, Mom,

Christmas is almost here, and I’m dreading it. I still can’t believe you’re gone. I’m angry at myself for not coming to you that night.

I’m angry with my life in general. How did I end up like this?

I’m so alone.

I don’t want to go to Dic’s. I’m not in the mood for all his friends.

I’m hurt because we probably won’t see David and [redacted].

I wish I knew how to fix my life. Jen thinks God would be the answer, but I haven’t felt any God for decades, and when I think of him/her/it, I’m just angry.

I got $750.00 in the mail yesterday as part of a class action lawsuit. I guess that’s cool.

Jen’s coming Thursday.

I love you,
Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

Now he might not.

December 11th, 2007 @ 12:00 pm

12/11/07
Hi, Mom,

Work sucks! Once again, I’m not good enough.

I was mean to Jen tonight. She won’t come to live any closer. You had a loving family around you when you died. I’ll probably die alone.

I don’t have any fun, hardly ever. David said he was coming for Christmas. Now he might not.

I can’t lose weight. My bones ache, and I feel as if I’m a hundred years old.

Donna’s a good friend. Kim could be, too.

I don’t know where to go or what to do. I have no one to talk to most of the time. I cry when I’m driving.

What’s wrong with me?

Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne

Forgetting A Lot

December 9th, 2007 @ 12:00 pm

12/9/07
Hi, Mom,

I went to Tampa with Donna today. Of all things, we went to see the Rockettes. They were good, and it was fun.

Last night I felt really weird. Like I couldn’t think. Like I was forgetting a lot. — A lot.

I’m under a lot of stress. I guess I always am. But I could always talk to you before and know you loved me, and everything would be okay.

Right now my job sucks. Dic keeps getting things from the lawyer, and, you know Dic, he thinks he’s going to be rich soon!

I need to focus. I’m thinking about calling the Center for Balance. I’m scared.

I really miss you. I hate going to Daytona and not picking you up. Today I kept looking at where you sat in my car. I need you, Mom. I really do.

I don’t know what Christmas will be like, but I’ll try — for you, me, and the kids.
Maybe I’ll get them all silly gifts.
I love you.
Goodnight
Kathleen A. Gagne

Sometimes

December 8th, 2007 @ 12:00 pm

12/8/07
Hi, Mom,

It’s been a while. I’ve had a rough few weeks, and, you know me, that means eating too much and all the wrong things. I can hardly breathe when the heat comes on, and I’m a mess.

I guess I’m going to Dic’s today. It’s for Ann’s Birthday. I’m getting her a Walmart gift card.

Donna and I are going to see the Rockettes in Tampa tomorrow. It seems funny that they’re on the road.

It seems stranger that I might get a lot of money because you died in a horrible way. Donna says you would want me to have the money. Whatever it is, I’ll send some to St. Pat’s for Fran’s soup kitchen. If you’re up there with her, tell her I’d like her to take care of you.

I wish there was someone to take care of me sometimes.

I love you,
Kathie
Kathleen A. Gagne