Dic and I are talking. We’ve been sharing some stuff from the past. Maybe it’s because it finally dawned on me that he grew up in the same environment I did, with his own set of Italian Catholic male issues, insecurities, and stresses in addition to our shared experience of feeling as if we were far less valued in the clan than our cousins.

David got a job for two months. If they like each other after that time, he might stay longer. It’s pretty far from the house so I hope he keeps looking.

I hope I get a job Tuesday.
Kathleen A. Gagne

It’s been a while since I wrote. I’ve been up and down a lot, working on a 3rd interview with digi-net (could be a good opportunity), went to see Susan in a funny play, had someone give me $24 because I’m out of work (great story!), not getting stuff done around the house, worrying about money, missing Salty, missing Jen & David A Lot!!!

I took out my Christmas Goofy & put him on the hearth.

Feel like I haven’t made much progress figuring out my life. Feel like I’ve wasted a lot of this time off, except some, maybe, with Susan, and when I’m walking, a little. Feel as if I should have, could have written a whole book in this time, feel like I never learn.

Decided to lose 10 pounds and did it. Want to lose 10 more and having a problem doing it. Feel as if I can do it if I focus on only 10 at a time, maybe.

Worried about Jen flying. She’s supposed to call tonight.
Kathleen A. Gagne

It’s 11:40 PM. Jen left for Tampa about half an hour ago. She’s driving there and spending the night at the Carswell’s. They said she could leave her car there and take a taxi to the airport.

She came over around 8 and we spent good time together. We laughed and talked and played Whomp and were silly. She is such a joy. She told me last night that she really worries about losing me. But she says she knows she has important things to do. She is getting so mature, probably more than I am. (hehe)

She’s also been talking about moving in with me for a while to save money. Wow!

She was really upset last night when she realized that I get angry with [redacted]. She told me [redacted] is the only one of her best friends who has time for her and that she wants to enjoy her life and not be tied down to what she described as the kind of life I’ve had.

I pray she stays safe, has a good time, and comes home happy!

I had an interview yesterday with a company called digi-net. It sounds like a really good opportunity financially. I’d be the oldest person in the company. And it’s doing exactly what I was doing before, but it could become an executive position within a year. And I really need a job.

I also saw Susan today. She gave me a couple of books to read. Mostly, she just listens, and that’s a lot! Sometimes she gives me strategies, but I’m really great at not doing them all the way.

She also has this incredible habit of telling me to forgive myself and not worry about what I’ve done or haven’t done wrong.

Jen gave me a great massage when she got here. She said she had gotten one from Patrick’s roommate who was studying to become a masseuse.

If I get a job, I can start thinking about Christmas. All I’ve bought so far are some books for [redacted] and a nightgown for Mom. I want to get a picture of Salty & one of Reebok enlarged to give to Jen.

David called while Jen was here. He told us he has a second interview for a job and that he got a part in a community theater production of “Jesus Christ Superstar” that will play for two weeks in a theater that seats 5000!
Kathleen A. Gagne

It seems like forever since I’ve written. I’m trying to keep a more positive attitude but, last night, I was feeling really weird, shake and queasy and as if my blood was racing. I called the doctor and he said it didn’t sound too serious, but to call dr. in am. I have an appointment for 9:45 tomorrow. My BP today was 130/74. Yea!

I have an interview at a company called Digitech tomorrow. From a head-hunter. The owner is 26! And they have 50 employees. They need a CS mgr.

Jen is flying to Chicago Thursday.

I have to believe in general that everything is going to be all right.
Kathleen A. Gagne

Saw Harry Potter with Jen today. They did a great job! Practically every scene was exactly as I had pictured it while reading.

Nothing – nil – cold stop in the job search. Sent out one resume but really don’t anticipate any response.

I’m feeling kind of desperate. I know I have to make some decisions fast, but I feel as if my feet are stuck in ankle-deep mud. I can’t think. I sit at my computer and play scrabble and feel bad about how I’m playing. And I make desultory moves to find a job in a pretty awful market. I emailed Barbara again, but she hasn’t answered.

I can’t believe how much I need someone to love me right now. Jen has been so great, but I hate to rely on her so much. Am I looking for God? Maybe. I don’t know.

Come on, Kathie! Pull out of this! Get your butt moving and do what needs to be done, dammit.

You’re better than this! Quit feeling so sorry for yourself! Get mad if you have to, but, for Pete’s sake (and yours), get up and fight through it! You deserve to be happy! You have terrific kids and very good friends! Stop wallowing! Find that person you were before the world beat you down! This is your chance! This mess is not an obstacle — it’s an opportunity!

Lose the weight! You can do it! Write the book — about the person who was born by mistake, about the romance! Focus on how well your work was received!

Look at UF! See what they have to offer you — or go online! Find a career that will make you $30 – 40/hr! You can do it! You deserve it!

And there’s a job out there for you! A good job! A great job! You have great things to offer — get the credentials you need! Look at what you’ve done!

David & Jen! And UCF! And buying houses! And getting published!

Just do it! You can! You will! Starting now (make a plan)!

Stop being so afraid!

You can win!
Kathleen A. Gagne

Long day.

Went to Barbara Peburn’s brother’s funeral with Jen. It was in Deltona. Barbara said I was a good friend for going all that way. Then she mentioned later that Jen and I were good friends. I think she doesn’t have a clue how much Jen and I would do for her. It’s funny, there seems to be so much love in that family. Marc and Eric are incredible — and they both have [redacted] women in their lives — and they both adore them.

I wish that David & Jen could have had a strong male influence in their lives. I did the best I could and sometimes I wonder if it was enough, especially for David. Then I remember that lots of great men were raised by their mothers.

Had one of those ideas tonight that I wouldn’t be here in __________. They scare me. Then I remembered that I had had the same kind of thought when I was driving by the Volusia County Court House when it was under construction. I remember thinking I would be gone before the construction was through. That was several years ago, not too long after Daddy died. Can I make a connection between that thought after Daddy’s sudden death and the one today after Robert’s?

Jen is being so kind to me in a mature sort of way. Sometimes I talk to her about what I’m discovering with Susan about why I am the way I am. Sometimes she even shares some things with me.

Tomorrow we’re going to see Harry Potter and Saturday is the Florida State game.

I need to be nicer to Mom. She’s not going to change. What has to change is how I react. (Jen said that.) I know Mom loves me, probably a lot in her own way. But there is so much pain, so much loneliness. A woman on the Today Show said Ronald Reagan’s children were estranged from him because they said he never understood them or connected with them. The woman said their expectations were different from those of their parents’ generation when parents were not expected to be concerned about their kids’ psyches.

Susan said it didn’t matter how Mom was raised (even though I’m sure it was strange), and that Mom could have made different choices in her life, the same way I did, that she could have chosen to relate to Dic & me differently.

I’ve eaten less for the last couple of days. I want to lose 10 pounds, and then maybe I’ll decide to lose another 10. With the holidays coming, no less, and me with no job … But I really need to do it. It may be the most important thing I ever do in my life (for me).

I also need to get a master’s degree, maybe in finance, and I need to do it now.

Did I mention I need to look in the mirror every day and tell myself I’m terrific?

I read my first chapter at the Writer’s Group Tuesday. I heard things like, “my pacing was flawless, great opening line, great close of the chapter, wonderful description of the scenes, sexual tension, fun,” — they want to hear more. Christy said she could see it as a movie. And they laughed in all the right places.
Kathleen A. Gagne