Kathleen A. Gagne

Kathie Gagne died 4,755 days ago.

November 9th, 2001 @ 12:00 pm

Betsy Shenckman said they were hoping to make a decision by today. But she didn’t call. I hope they didn’t call Jim and get a negative reference for me. Or maybe it’s good news and she’s waiting until she can get me more money.

Missing Salty. Cleaned out one of the places where she got sick, but Little One keeps going over and laying there. She seems so lost, so sad. She just lost her sister. The two “puppies” look so tiny.

… [redacted] …

Missing my bright, happy, loving, silly Salty.
Kathleen A. Gagne

Salty

November 8th, 2001 @ 12:00 pm

Salty is gone.

It turned out her kidneys were failing. We tried pretty heroic measures (sub-cutaneous fluids 2cc a day, medications), but she got worse. She hadn’t really eaten anything or kept anything down since about 5 days ago.

But she was still smiling. And, then, she started laying around, almost out of it. If you got the leash, she wanted to walk, almost as if she couldn’t stand still. On one of the walks, I thanked her and told her she was my very best friend.

She didn’t care if I was fat, or depressed, or smelly. It didn’t matter if my bills were paid or I yelled at her for barking. She was always there, loving me unconditionally, always ready to play or cuddle or eat a treat. She always listened to my worries and really, really miss her.

Jen has been wonderful through all of this. She knows Salty is very special to me — the puppy who picked me out, whose beautiful eyes and little pink nose ripped my heart away. The puppy that became the woman dog, the right friend for me.

I think I’m in a fog today. I haven’t cried much. It’s as if I’m afraid to let the floodgates open.

It’s late; Jen and I have been quiet, tired, and listless all day, crying every now and then. I came out into the living room and started to talk to Mom a little.

I shared that I had always wanted Salty to be the one to live the longest. Mom said, “We don’t always get what we want.”
Kathleen A. Gagne

Nana Moves In

November 4th, 2001 @ 12:00 pm

David is back in L.A.; he sent us each a postcard — sounds like he had a really good time.

Couple of bad days with Salty. She threw up at least twice yesterday and once last night. But her wound looks better. She’s just sort of laying around today. I put some food near her after Jen flushed the wound. She hadn’t eaten it, and when I went to check on her, the dish was covered with ants. (They are all over the house every time it gets cooler out. Ugh!)

Jen went to Daytona to pick up Mom because we were afraid to leave Salty alone. I hope it works out with Mom here. With all the stuff Susan and I have been talking about, it’s pretty scary. I feel so guilty — have ever since Horseman. Am I a total rat? Am I forgetting times when I felt loved as a kid? I don’t even know, but I think I can say pretty definitely that I have never felt safe in my life, and I honestly don’t ever remember feeling cherished. No wonder I have problems accepting love … But is it me or the way I was raised? I don’t want to blame anyone else if it’s really something inside me. And, if it is, where the heck would it have come from except from my earliest years?
Kathleen A. Gagne

Job Hunting

November 1st, 2001 @ 12:00 pm

When I got home from seeing Susan yesterday, there was a message from Peggy Mathes at CCR. I was heading there anyway to drop off my application, so I stopped in to see her and she offered me the job at $35,000. Then she said they wanted to know if I would move to Palatka. That threw me, but I think I handled it pretty well. I told her I needed some time to think about it and asked if Monday was okay, and she said it was.

Today I had an interview at B’Nai Israel for an executive director position. I really liked the 3 interviewers, and I was pretty sure they liked me, but they were talking about a process taking several weeks. Then, shortly after I got home, David Greenberg called me to tell me the 3 of them had narrowed it down to 3 candidates and that I was one of the candidates. Then he got pretty funny and said he “couldn’t say too much, but that one of the candidates was much stronger than the others …” They still have to find out who the Rabbi wants …

If it’s me, I need to convince them to hire me soon.

Salty needs surgery which will probably cost about $500, in addition to the $260 we spent between last night and today. She seems to be okay, but she’s in pain. What a great dog she is!!!
Kathleen A. Gagne

I Have Value

October 30th, 2001 @ 12:00 pm

I have an interview today in Palatka — for a job as Putnam County Facilitator. It’s too far to travel every day. I don’t feel good about my chances. No one has offered me a job yet. I don’t feel like a failure about it — it’s just that the skills required are not in my repertoire.

Barbara Searle put in a good word for me at CH2MHill and said I could use her as a reference.

I need some good money soon.

I wish I didn’t put so much pressure on my kids because of my fears. I feel so scared and so alone most of the time, and I don’t have a clue where to turn.

I know intellectually that I should be more positive and keep reminding myself that I have value and I’m fine.

And Mom will be up here next week, probably until Thanksgiving. I don’t want to deal with her just sitting in that chair all day and being negative and talking bad about [redacted] and [redacted] and [redacted]. Boy! Do I understand how they need a break.

It was sad when she said [redacted] had “never” gotten her lottery tickets. He may be a jerk most of the time, but, why shouldn’t he be? He told me and Jen later that he never remembers either Mom or Dad saying they were proud of him. He grew up in the same house I did — what was he supposed to become?

All I can hope for is that I might have done better by David & Jen.

Please.
Kathleen A. Gagne

Concentrate on Now

October 27th, 2001 @ 12:00 pm

So David’s in Maui, about 5500 miles away. He was hoping to see the UF/Georgia game, but it would have to be on at 9:30 AM.

Jen and I went to see Star Wars on the Gainesville Plaza last night. It was pretty cold and, for the first time, the movie looked rather primitive to me. We took Little One. I think she’s almost totally blind now, but she seemed excited to be there.

I got a letter from Naylor Pub — I guess my, “I really don’t want to do sales” attitude got through to the recruiter. I wonder if I made a mistake — some of their inside sales people make six figures a year.

On the other hand, I got a call from a non-profit org. I applied to. The job is in Putnam county and probably pays crap, but at least it’s an interview. I also emailed Barbara Searle about a position I saw on Monster.com with CH2MHill, and she said she voice-mailed the HR director about details.

I have $900 in cash and about $1000 in credit left (I don’t want to use the credit!), and $494 coming from unemployment every two weeks. I guess I should be really panicked — I should be working harder to get a job.

I want to write a book. It’s another one of those things that I feel I need to do now. Like losing weight — and having a man, or men, in my life.

What keeps holding me back? Is it all tied into my lack of self esteem? Susan says I need to get my feelings in line with my intellect. I need to stop worrying about the years I see as wasted (in my personal growth) and concentrate on now.
Kathleen A. Gagne

Cantina Chili

October 25th, 2001 @ 12:00 pm

Jen came over for Mom night and we watched the Thursday shows. She made Cantina Chili (from Star Wars — vegan). It was great.

David is flying to Maui tomorrow with [redacted] & her dad. I hope he has a great time.

Jen and I wish he was here. We both had pictures of Sunday at Disney. They’re great! I guess it’s good for David to be where he is right now.

But I miss him so much …
Kathleen A. Gagne

(No Subject)

October 24th, 2001 @ 9:30 pm

My mom sent me this email on October 24, 2001:

It’s funny – i just looked at the red sox jinx thing. ¹

I love you with affection unspeakable as well. ² You and [name redacted] are joy to me….almost unbearably so. I guess you read that as desparation, but it’s not – it is quite simply the greatest gift I have ever been given, a treasure beyond price. ³

It’s nice to hear how you feel.

Keep searching for that kind, soft, gentle part of yourself; don’t give up on it because someone couldn’t handle it. It’s as much a part of you as how brilliant you are. It may be the best part of you, my love. ⁴

Talk to you soon.

Please send the flight info. ⁵

Love ya MOM

¹ I have no idea what this means.
² This is a reference to a line from the operetta “The Pirates of Penzance” by Gilbert & Sullivan. At the beginning of the musical, Frederick tells The Pirate King and his band, “Individually I love you all with affection unspeakable. But collectively I look upon you with a disgust that amounts to absolute detestation.” It’s one of my favorite lines in the world. My mother and I would often play a VHS tape of this while we did chores on weekend mornings; she would sing the parts of Ruth and Mabel and I would sing the parts of Frederick, The Pirate King, and the Modern Major General. I was — even at a very young age — awestruck that my mother could hit the same high notes as Linda Ronstadt.
³ It boggles my mind how frequently my mother spelled the word desperation incorrectly.
⁴ I don’t know why she wrote this. We had probably gotten into an argument on the phone in which I had been cold and cruel and brutally honest about something dramatic.
⁵ Airfare was ridiculously inexpensive for a few months after the terrorist attacks of 9/11, so I flew home from Los Angeles in early November; my girlfriend (now wife) and I took our mothers and my sister to Disney World on that trip.

A Nice Surprise

October 23rd, 2001 @ 12:00 pm

Jen had a movie date with Andrew Saturday as planned. While I was sort of waiting for her to call, David called instead. He never calls during the day, so it was a nice surprise.

We made small talk for a while and talked about football a little. Then he asked if I had any plans for Sunday. I told him breakfast with Anita and Jen, service with Jen and then a movie.

And then he said the most incredible thing! He and [redacted] were thinking about going to Disney and Universal Sunday, something about free tickets they couldn’t use! Did we want to join them!

Somehow, Jen and I managed to get everything together. Patrick (Rona’s fiance) came to take care of the dogs. I packed and cleaned and couldn’t sleep a wink (okay, maybe 2 hours) and then got up at 3:00 and drove to Orlando.

What an incredible day! We ended up just going to Disney World. It rained most of the day, and we got soaked a couple of times! I rode on Splash Mountain and Big Thunder Mountain for the first time and we went on Jungle Cruise, Pirates, Small World, Wedway. It was great!

And, oh, the best part was all the time we got to spend with David. What a gift! He was wonderful. He was attentive and kind and fun. And I love seeing him and Jen together! What Joy!

I must have walked a hundred miles — and my body is still complaining about all the uphill and down and climbing in and out of carts and cars.

But we laughed and were silly and had a great time!

Later we went to stay at the Hyatt at the Orlando Airport. We had a room on the 7th floor. It was great.

So Jen and I spent most of 24 hours with David. I got in lots of hugs and we even got to talk about “stuff” a few times. And Jen and David both held my hand a lot during the day. They were so great. My heart was bursting.

David and I even talked about his relationship with [redacted] while we were driving back to the airport. He even mentioned a couple of very sad emails he got from [redacted], one the day after their divorce and one last week. He’s still planning to get his own place, but that probably won’t happen until after he gets a job. I guess it means at least another year in L.A.

I miss him so much and so does Jen. I hate the thought of another year with him so far away, especially with all the crazy stuff going on in the country.

If there is a power running the universe, I ask only that my children are safe.

What a great day we had!
Kathleen A. Gagne

Something to Do with That

October 19th, 2001 @ 12:00 pm

I went to meet Jen at Cafe Doye tonight. She was picking a movie with a young man named Andrew. He’s really adorable, a poet, she says, and he’s been in there a few times. They’re going to the movie tomorrow afternoon. I’m happy for her. I hope she has a great time.

I’m very worried about David flying to Hawaii. He’s leaving next Friday. I really need to talk to Susan about this. Maybe it’s an example of me catastrophizing again.

Jen asked me to go to the service with her Sunday, the one on campus. She told me that Alicia has been praying for her and that she has been feeling better lately. I asked her if the [redacted] and she said yes.

She looked incredibly beautiful. People just seem to love her — she has such a wonderful heart. I would like to believe I had something to do with that.

I really need to get going on this “man-for-Kathie” thing. Hmmm.
Kathleen A. Gagne