Kathie Gagne died 4,755 days ago.

A Little Bit of Hope
January 25th, 2002 @ 12:00 pm

Dic and Ann’s fifth anniversary. Auntie Dora died yesterday — she introduced Mom and Dad, asking them to be my cousin Richard’s god-parents. If it wasn’t for her, Jen and David and I wouldn’t be here.

David called to tell me he got a line in Jesus Christ Superstar. Incredible! How things go around — I was sitting in Jeannie Zibilski’s basement listening to it (a record probably) just about 30 years ago. I really am missing David tonight. He’s so far away and I’m really feeling it knowing I won’t be able to see the play for a lot of reasons.

And Jen went to a Bible study tonight. Deja vu …

Nothing on the job front. No calls, not even from the Clinton Group.

David is sending me some money.

Am I wrong to still have a little bit of hope that a great job will come along? Monday I need to look into temp work!

There were some good things on Oprah today, about archetypes and valuing what you have now, and sacred contracts. I’ll write more soon. I think I’m going to go to her website to look it up.

Susan asked me to try EMDR. I need to look that up, too.
Kathleen A. Gagne

The Cost of Kids
January 21st, 2002 @ 8:09 am

Late one night, about eight years before the birth of my son, my mom forwarded me a silly email that I couldn’t have possibly understood at the time. It’s one of dozens of things she forwarded to me over the years, and I have no idea if I ever replied.

I get it now, mom. I really do. And, man, I wish I could share it with you.

The Cost of Kids
We have seen repeatedly the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way.

It’s nice, really nice!

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up $160,140! That doesn’t even touch college tuition.

For those with kids, that figure leads to wild fantasies about all the money we could have banked if not for (insert your child’s name here).

For others, that number might confirm the decision to remain childless.

But $160,140 isn’t so bad if you break it down.

It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That’s a mere $24.44 a day! Just over a dollar an hour.

What do your get for your $160,140?

………..

Well, Naming rights. First, middle, and last!

Glimpses of God every day.

Giggles under the covers every night.

More love than your heart can hold.

Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.

Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.

A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.

A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.

Someone to laugh yourself silly with.

For $160,140, you never have to grow up.

You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch Lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus.

You have an excuse to keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars.

You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother’s Day, and cards with backward letters for Father’s Day.

For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.

You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a splinter, filling the wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal.

You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you’re lucky, A long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.

You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God.

You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.

May you ENJOY YOUR KIDS (and grandkids)!!

Championship Game
January 20th, 2002 @ 12:00 pm

PatriotsYesterday I went to St. Augustine with Wendy, Beth, and Sue. We walked on the beach for about an hour, looked at 2 condos so Sue could rent one, went to a couple of thrift shops and had a very late lunch at Tavern on the Bay overlooking the water near Ft. Matanzas. None of it was particularly remarkable — except for me! I had a great time. I honestly can’t ever remember doing anything like it or feeling so good about it. Another benefit of joining the Writers’ Group.

Then I came home and Jen came over and we watched the Patriots play Oakland while David and I called back and forth! It was great fun. They were playing in a huge blizzard in a stadium that was supposed to be demolished Dec. 23. There was a thrilling finish, with Vinitari kicking the tying field goal in the last 30 seconds, and then the winning one in overtime!

It was great! Especially the part about Jen and David freaking out right along with me!

All-in-all, a pretty good day.
Kathleen A. Gagne

They’re Still Singing
January 18th, 2002 @ 12:00 pm

Jen keeps telling me to write — my book. I believe this is the absolute, very first time anyone has ever encouraged me like that unless Jen herself did it in high school.

She is so unbelievable! Wonderful! She’s all the things I ever wanted to be. She’s her own woman, too. Strong and tender, smart, funny, kind, independent, Beautiful.

I just heard some birds singing right outside my bedroom window. It was the cardinal family that’s been living here, probably since before I moved in. This time, I was actually able to go get my camera and take three pictures of the male from less than 6 feet away. The female was up a little higher in the bush, but her colors are harder to distinguish among the leaves. (There’s a fact of life – hehe). They’re still singing. The male is fat.

Yesterday, I saw an accident scene on the noon news. It was a semi on a freeway, actually sitting on top of a couple of cars. I think they said 25 cars were involved. There was a lot of very serious injuries and one person died, and there were still people trapped under the semi. And, right in the middle of the mess was a little red pickup truck, shiny, and smashed. I called David, just to make sure he was okay. He didn’t even mind — the accident was pretty far from where he was, but he was on his way to work and caught in its traffic.

Susan asked me yesterday if I wanted to experiment with EMDR, a therapy that’s being used for phobias, like flying, or claustrophobia! I need to think about it. I’m such a control freak about my life. It’s funny, but I’ve told her I feel stuck lately, like I can’t or don’t want to do anything, but it’s more that I’ve been stuck in my fears for a long time. I really need to get out of this. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to figure out what I want to do professionally or be able to travel and really live life if I don’t. I think the seeds are there, the desire, but the fear is there, too.
Kathleen A. Gagne

January 15, 2002
January 15th, 2002 @ 12:00 pm

Had a really awful day today, mostly because I did virtually nothing but play video games and cook. Finally, late, I started cleaning my bathroom. It’s gorgeous, too clean to use.

Anyway, after 7:00, I decided to go to my writers’ meeting. I got there really late, but it was great. People were glad to see me.

Valerie even asked me to critique her story tonight and said she couldn’t go any further without my input! And Wendy brought me info on a local company that is hiring. She’s actually been looking hard for a job for me. And Kim wants to see David’s tape. And Mary and I had a great conversation about personality types. She’s terrific.

Jen is so supportive! She told me tonight that, if David gets a part in Pirates of Penzance, I’m going out there with her even if she has to give me intravenous vallium!

Well, it’s late and cold, and I need to go to bed.

Mom & I started Weight Watchers yesterday, by the way. Maybe we’ll go to see “Kate and Leopold” tomorrow, or I’ll rent the “Princess Diaries.” Jen and I plan to see “Lord of the Rings” Friday.

I need to think of something else to sell.

I’m going to bed.
Kathleen A. Gagne

The Weakest Link
January 11th, 2002 @ 8:10 am

Over a decade ago, shortly after moving to Los Angeles, I was a contestant on the game show The Weakest Link and somehow managed to win. I sent mom this email when I learned when the episode was going to air:

 
 

Mom replied just after she watched me on television:

 
 
Mom Is Here
January 7th, 2002 @ 12:00 pm

It’s been a long time again.

Mom is here. The money situation gets worse by the hour and neither job called today, and I saw nothing in the paper. Little success with ebay. Planning huge yard sale Saturday with Jen.

Spurrier resigned Friday. I’m not sure why I wrote that just now. The kids were shocked — me, too.

Spoke with David. I wanted to ask him for money, but I couldn’t do it, not again.

“From whence will my help come?”

Maybe I’m changing a little. I’m not freaking out — handling it a little differently, maybe …

I had such high hopes when I left Cox.

The things C. said really rankle now, that she was making a case …

David’s Weakest Link might be on this Wednesday. He sent me two beautiful cards with lovely, caring notes inside.

My heart is so full of love for David and Jen. They are the light of Springtime and the glory of Summer, the crispness of Autumn, and the promise of Winter.

They are my best, but not my only, friends.

I spoke to Fran yesterday. She loves me unconditionally, as always, the mother of us all from away back when. She was so delighted to hear from me. It was so great to hear her voice and to bask in that joy. I so want her to come here — when David & Jen are both here. She’s going to try to see David on TV.

What a miraculous gift she, too, has been in my life!

I told her to tell Jude I think of him every time I send money to the Columbans. She thought that was cool.
Kathleen A. Gagne

January 1, 2002
January 1st, 2002 @ 12:00 pm

“Look to this day, for yesterday is but a dream, and tomorrow is only a vision. But today – well lived – makes yesterday a dream of happiness and tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well, therefore, to today.”

Heard it on a soap opera of all things. Sure makes a lot of sense.

I went to Wendy’s house for New Year’s Eve. Jen was with Hollie & friends, and David was home alone.

My blood pressure was really high earlier, but I bet it went down while I enjoyed a bonfire (it was freezing) with my friends. Mary was there, too, and Suzanne and Ann. Ann said her brother really liked Jen.
Kathleen A. Gagne

December 23, 2001
December 23rd, 2001 @ 12:00 pm

It seems like forever since I’ve written. Still no job, very little money, getting behind on bills. It’s pretty depressing because I was just at the point where my credit was getting restored.

I’ve had some problems with my blood pressure. I’ve been walking 4 or 5 times a week with the silly pups. I guess it might be helping. But I’ve been very tense, and that’s not good. Haven’t been able to lose any more.

Susan keeps trying to get me to internalize good, positive feelings about myself. Interestingly enough, Jen has her own campaign going to do the same. We went to see Susan in “Nuncrackers” a couple of weeks ago. It was hysterical. We had a great time!

I still feel so lost and lonely inside. I was thinking the other day that I should be looking for a man to love rather than for a man to love me. I don’t know if I even remember how to love anyone besides Jen and David.

David’s not coming for Christmas. I miss him so much, and I know he’ll miss being here with us! [Redacted] is taking him to the Lakers game Tuesday.

My beautiful, wonderful son! And my incredible, precious daughter!

I guess the holidays are getting me down: no money, no man, no David coming home (in increasing order of importance!). Jen, bless her, is trying to get me to look at what I have, instead of what I don’t have.

But another year has gone by and I’m still huge and alone and really feeling as if my weight is bearing me down.

I know I have a lot …


I just heard a line on tv – a young woman talking about her sick, elderly mother who has Alzheimer’s. She said, “I guess I’m just not through needing them.”
Kathleen A. Gagne

Washington National Cathedral
December 22nd, 2001 @ 7:57 am

Towards the end of December in 2001, I emailed my mom a story about one of the gargoyles at the National Cathedral in Washington. (The gargoyle looks just like Darth Vader.) She replied to me with this message:

You know, I was there with Nana when they were still working on it. It was in the 60s. I wonder when they finally finished because, unless George Lucas submitted that as a kid, it’s spooky.

Love ya