Kathleen A. Gagne

Kathie Gagne died 4,755 days ago.

September 28th, 2001 @ 12:00 pm

I had my first interview yesterday with a small company called BCN, Associates. I’m still not exactly sure what the job entails (neither are they), and I was really nervous about it, but I think it went very well. Apparently, they found my resume very impressive, and I’m pretty sure they really liked me. Weird.

Susan says I have a lot to offer.

David’s divorce was final Monday. He sounds as if he’s really hurting even though he’s the one who wanted out. I wrote something on his Blog, and he misunderstood it, and I feel really bad about that — I think he understands now and that the only reason he misunderstood was because of the stress he is experiencing.

Jen spent most of the day with me — nice side effect of being out of work. She spent a lot of that time with Salty, giving her a bath and clipping her. I told Jen Salty is my favorite dog. But I’ve loved a lot of dogs in my life. Jen also took me to a used toy store she goes to a lot. She is so wonderful, and we have been spending a lot of time together which is great after she was gone for so long. I hope she has her problem under control. I wish I could help her, but all I can do is offer some support.

I’d like to get a lot done tomorrow. I guess I’ll do what I do so often which is plan too much, but I really need to plan some time to think.

I really want to write again. I really do. I just have to figure out what I want to say.

I’m not very big on figuring out the meaning of life either. I know I need to — for me.

And I need to lose weight. I’ll try to get to Weight Watchers tomorrow. I have to deal with this!
Kathleen A. Gagne

How do they bear it?

September 25th, 2001 @ 12:00 pm

I got a call early this morning for an interview with BCN Associates. It sounded really good when I sent my resume in, but now I’m really nervous about it. I haven’t got a clue whether I’m remotely qualified for it either.

I got my hair cut and drove by the building. It’s the Seagle building, the tallest one in downtown Gainesville, on the 6th floor.

Jen has an interview tomorrow with the city. She says if she leaves Gainesville, she will probably leave the state. I really want her to follow her dreams, but, oh god, it’s hard enough with David so far away. What if they were both that far? The thought alone is terrifying. What do mothers do? How do they bear it?
Kathleen A. Gagne

A Walk on the Beach

September 25th, 2001 @ 12:00 pm

Jen and I went to Daytona for my birthday last Saturday. We stayed overnight at a Days Inn and got up and went for a walk on the beach. It was great and funny. Two women came up to us and offered us $50 if we listened to a time share presentation. We went, and it took forever and we both thought it would be a really great idea to buy one, but the $50.00 more than paid for the hotel. Then we walked some more, had lunch at Ruby Tuesday’s, and played miniature golf at Pirate’s Island. It was such a great day, just sharing comfortable, quiet, fun time with Jen. What a treasure she is!

I’m convinced I really do need a vacation, at least a week away from home. If I get a job, I’ll have to ask about Christmas, if David can come.

Maybe Jen and I could take a few days before I start if it’s soon, before the money runs out.
Kathleen A. Gagne

Light

September 21st, 2001 @ 12:00 pm

Ghandi said, “In the midst of darkness, light persists.”
Kathleen A. Gagne

Mom wrote this journal entry the day before her 53rd birthday. As far as I can tell, it’s all she wrote that day.

Questions

September 19th, 2001 @ 12:00 pm

Went for the biopsy today. It wasn’t bad but it was a lot more complicated and real than I had expected. Got some good stuff from Susan.

I was wondering — why have I always had so much trouble figuring out what I want to do or what would make me happy? What is that elusive thing I’m looking for? What perfect choice or decision?

Am I afraid to pick something and then fail at it? Is what I really want so outrageous I can’t admit it? Or am I making a decision by not making one?

Why do I feel like I always want more, but what more is, I don’t know? I’m sure there are some of my friends, i.e. Fran, who would say that the thing I’m looking for is God.

And, when it all comes down to it, where is the answer?

I think I know now that I really want to write a book.

More importantly, I want to find a way to help […] [redacted] […] I honestly, truly, don’t want David and Jen to hurt the way I’ve hurt most of my life. And sometimes I wonder if I’m the one who failed them. But I love them so much, and they are so wonderful.
Kathleen A. Gagne

Stress

September 17th, 2001 @ 12:00 pm

Went to Daytona with Jen. It’s really great to have the time with her and to see Nic & Amber, but Mom can get so nasty sometimes. It’s as if all she ever wants to do is tell me all the bad things in her life. And she seems mad. I guess it could be me, but I feel so miserable when I’m with her. I guess I blame her for a lot of the bad things in my life — like my weight and my lack of a healthy relationship with a man. I guess that’s another thing I need to discuss with Susan.

I’m having a problem breathing all of a sudden again. Is it stress? I think I’ve lost a few pounds, but I had coffee twice today and a little soda with caffeine and some malted milk balls. And there was probably a lot of smoke at Dic’s.

I shouldn’t stay up this late or play Scrabble this long. Maybe it’s because of the yardwork yesterday.

I need a job — and who knows if I’ll get one after WTC. And I need to stop stressing — funny — WTC, breathing, no job, uncertainty, David far away. 53rd birthday coming — sure — don’t stress!
Kathleen A. Gagne

Catastrophizing

September 16th, 2001 @ 12:00 pm

I need to talk to Susan about catastrophizing. I know that my feelings are being colored by hours & hours of watching the WTC news and concern for the future. I know I’m certainly only one of millions. I can hear it in David’s voice — what I wouldn’t give to see his face, his eyes, hear his voice, and I know Jen is really hurting, missing him. It would be good for her if he was close by.

I’ve never talked to anyone about my fears for Jen. I really need to now. I need to deal with this, with the words I can’t even speak. I really hope Susan has an answer. I do know I think about it more in very stressful times. Maybe it’s not so much related to Jen as to me.

I need to take this journal with me Wednesday and to remember this page.

I spoke with Mom for a long time today and it was very depressing. She’s miserable and I can’t fix it. And what will my kids think of me?

Jen & I went to a candlelight service for WTC victims, met Hollie & went out to eat. I’m glad we went together. Jen, my love.
Kathleen A. Gagne

Another Day

September 12th, 2001 @ 12:00 pm

Another day of watching the horror in New York City. And now they are talking to victims and victim’s families. People are crying, and there is anger and fear and confusion.

How sad that only a few people (less than 20 it seems) could destroy so much. Three or four more buildings collapsed. The fire continued to burn in the Pentagon. The dangerous conditions make searching too unsafe to continue most of the time. And yet, miraculously, they find about 10 survivors in the rubble — the area is huge, beyond belief.

They’re looking in Florida and Boston and the trail seems to be pretty clear. They had been planning for 2 years, learning how to fly in the U.S. And it was clear that Bin Laden wanted those towers down.

More people will die, more than the thousands already gone, people whose names I have heard, whose families I have seen, gone when it wasn’t their time.

How lucky I am that my children are safe tonight, as safe as anyone can be. How I grieve for the mothers and fathers who lost children, the young wives who are alone, the families who lost more than one. So many hearts are aching. The flag is everywhere.

David called on his way home and we talked about it until he got to Sears to buy [redacted]’s present. And then he was sobbing because, when he went in, there were flags everywhere and people lined up to buy them. He had posted flags on his website.

He sounded stuffed up for the second time when he called. I just realized it’s probably because he doesn’t have money to buy his allergy medication. I’ll give him some tomorrow. He’s such a wonderful person.

Jen keeps calling. I think she is hurting about this and missing her brother and, typically, she doesn’t know how to express herself.

My two wonderful, beautiful joys. I wonder if they will every know how much I love them, with all their strengths and weaknesses, all their highs and lows, joys and sorrows.

I give thanks to the universe …
Kathleen A. Gagne

September 11th

September 11th, 2001 @ 12:00 pm

After Jen called to wake me up, I was sitting in bed watching MTM, and David called and asked me if I was watching TV. He sounded funny, so I immediately thought of earthquake (there had been one in L.A. the other day).

But when I turned to the news, I saw a jetliner crashing into the second of the World Trade Center towers. The other one was already burning. The rest of the day was horrendous, like something out of a horror movie. Parts of what happened next were very much like “Independence Day” and the one about asteroids. As the towers burned, people jumped 80-90 stories and smoke kept pouring out. Then one of the towers seemed to tilt a little — and then it collapsed in on itself killing thousands of people, burying hundreds of rescue workers gathered below to help, and billowing what looked like volcanic ash through the canyons of Manhattan. In less than an hour, the other one fell, too.

Four planes were hijacked, two crashed into the towers, one into the Pentagon, and one near Pittsburgh.

Like everyone else, I was virtually paralyzed, watching and watching and watching, calling David, calling Jen, calling Dic, and watching each new scene more horrendous than the last.

I have no faith in George Bush — I don’t think he is smart enough or strong enough to lead us right now, and, like so many others around the world, I think this changes everything. It could be more than the tragedy of today. If I prayed, I would pray for wisdom for our very frail leaders …

I didn’t go to the writers’ meeting and I really missed it, but I could hardly move. Jen and Holly came over for a few minutes.

I weigh more now than I have ever weighed in my life, and, while I don’t feel like a failure about it, I know I really need to do something about it. But, what, and how and when, when I feel so stuck? Susan and Dr. Hanson said it’s not a good idea to try to lose weight when you’re under a lot of stress …

I looked at a few jobs today, but I really need to do much more. I need to plan! I’m getting really scared.

I feel so alone. I wish I had someone …

I know I have David & Jen, and I’m really grateful, but I am not their responsibility.
Kathleen A. Gagne

A Rough Week

September 8th, 2001 @ 12:00 pm

It’s been a rough week — lots of fears, lots of immobility, lots of eating and feeling lonely. Sometimes I feel as if I’m learning all kinds of things and changing — working to get better while accepting myself more. Other times I feel stuck, as if I physically can’t move forward or ahead, and I won’t find a job or get back to school or write.

The meeting Tuesday was good — I’m really enjoying it, and especially the numerous comments about my good insights. But now people keep asking me to bring in my work, and I don’t have any, and I’m scared.

Maybe that’s why I feel so stuck — I’m scared a new job won’t be better, new writing won’t be good.

Susan said she may be moving out of Gainesville. It doesn’t scare me, I don’t think, but I really like her and feel like she likes me and that we could do good things (for me). She says she has faith in me, that I can have the life I want.

David called the other day. They had mediation conference calls, and he has agreed to pay [redacted] over the next [redacted] years. I suppose there is some sense in that because he left her, but I have no way of knowing if she was really hurt or just put out because her life plan wasn’t working out. In any case, I don’t approve of the whole [redacted] law firm involvement and the fact that neither [redacted], nor [redacted] needs the money. It feels like spite. I wonder what I would have done.

Ms. PB was out front when I got home from watching the Gator game tonight. She clearly wanted to come in the house. I fed her, thinking she probably didn’t eat because she was here. It really breaks my heart that she can’t just be my pet. I’ve really come to love her. And then there are the two kittens at the BP station. But Ms. PB has meowed her way into my heart.

Maybe I care too much about too many things.

David no longer has to be in court in Miami 9/24. That means he won’t be here for my birthday.
Kathleen A. Gagne