Seems like it’s been a long, sort of lonely day. I ate junk all day, too, and spent too much money, and my head felt funny.

Jen called, so that was a bright spot. I guess they got tickets to the game. The Gators won and looked great and will probably stay at #1.

I played some Scrabble (I’m up over 1700), and I filed for unemployment. If Vonnie calls my checks severance, I will have wasted $275. times at least 4 weeks.

Mom wanted me to buy her 20 lottery tickets, and I talked her into 10. None of them were winners.

I got out my CD/tape player and started to listen to some tapes of the kids. Daddy’s voice was on one of them, and it made me cry. I called Dic & told him I had it and he was crying, too. I guess I’ll go to Daytona with it tomorrow. I was rewinding it and the tape broke. I called Radio Shack and a young guy named Brian said he would help me with it, so I went there around 7:00 PM, and we got it fixed. He was really nice. He said his grandfather had died and they had a tape. I wonder why I’ve been thinking about Daddy so much.

I went to lunch with Cynthia Stewart. She’s going to go to Santa Fe CC to learn about childhood care. I wish I could make up my mind what to do. I’m getting really scared about money and getting a job.

Between Susan & Mike Boaz and John Pezzitti, I am getting a lot of support about approving of and valuing myself.

I still feel good about the future — just scared — a little.

Tried to call David, but he didn’t answer his cell. I wonder if they got tickets to the Red Sox / Yankees game. The Sox lost.

I am so lucky / blessed / grateful to have these incredible “children” in my life. I am more amazed every day, and my love for them grows ever stronger.
Kathleen A. Gagne

Got my sinuses x-rayed. Talking to Dic helps, and I’m thinking it’s allergies, but worried as usual.

Remembered what Mike said and used the affirmation. Walking into Wal-Mart, told myself I was going to figure out what I’m “supposed” to do. It is amazing, but, like realizing my self-esteem has or should have no link to my weight, I honestly think that’s the very first time I have ever recognized or said or believed that in my whole life!

I spent a couple of hours tonight going through Do What You Are. Maybe I was more motivated because of that little exercise at Wal-Mart! Oddly enough, I really was able to narrow some things down to workable dimensions. And I have at least a hopeful feeling about being able to move ahead in the process.

Jen asked me if I wanted to drive to Ichetucknee with her tomorrow to drop off her time card. Sounds like fun! We also talked for a minute about whether she feels she needs to take care of me. I really want to help her to love herself — I don’t want her to wait another 25 yrs.

David is in New England until next Monday. Mom wants to come back up here, but I explained to her that I need to focus on getting a job, and she can come when I’m settled. I need to tell her that the reason is that the job search process is so stressful. I’ve been having some decent conversations with Dic lately. I hope we can sustain that.

Mike said I “should” forgive everyone, including myself.

I wonder if I can write something or have something to take to the meeting next Tuesday.
Kathleen A. Gagne

I finally spoke to Moke Booz, the coach Susan referred me to. He sounds really nice and very dedicated, and he was as supportive of my thinking about the same career as Susan thought he would be. We spoke for over an hour. He suggested I take a couple of days to try to discern what my dreams and passions are. He even gave me an affirmation to use and some tips about how to conduct this search. And he offered me a free consultation if I want it. Today would have been that, but he said he had enjoyed talking with me.

Tonight I had dinner with Jen. She seems to have saved someone’s life again, an elderly man on a raft who would have been in real trouble if, for any reason, he fell out. What an incredible person she is, not because of what happened today, but because of who she is every day.

Tonight, I also went to a second meeting of the Gainesville Writers and Poets group. I heard some wonderful work and offered what I hoped were helpful comments. (Jessica’s poem really moved me, and I don’t generally like poetry.) Apparently, others appreciated my comments because several of the men kept remarking that they agreed with them, and one person particularly stressed that what I had said was exactly what the author needed to hear. (It was for Susan. I have her a hint on how to make her characters more unique by going back and giving each one an identifying trait.)

Then several of us went to Applebee’s. I sat next to Bob and across from Rick and Sonia. I had a great time. Bob is (or appears to be) very sensitive and caring. Rick is incredibly good looking and seems really nice. They both seemed very interested in what I had to say. I mentioned to Bob that I had been published and how and he said he has not been. But his work is so good …

Incredibly, I had a great time (except when we listened to bad work). But I was able to speak comfortably and casually with both men and to listen eagerly to what they had to say. (I still need to learn a lot more about listening!) I think this was different fro many other time in my life. I probably weigh more than I ever have, but, tonight, I liked myself, and it didn’t matter whether anyone was married or not or great looking or not …

I wonder where all this will take me? I believe there are good things ahead.
Kathleen A. Gagne

I feel a little better today. I know I need to really focus on my finances and job situation this week. I plan to call about the job counseling position Susan recommended. I also really need to go over the LHH job search material I have.

I don’t know whether to call Vonnie about what I said to Carmen. I guess I could just wait and see if anything comes of it.

Wanted to touch base with David today. I haven’t spoken to him since Thursday or Friday.
Kathleen A. Gagne

I don’t plan to write every day, but for now I might.

I’ve felt pretty sick all day and, of course, I’ve been worried about worst-case scenarios exacerbated by the recent headlines.

Anyway, Jen and I went to Daytona and it was the usual stuff except that we got to take care of Nic for a few hours. He is such a delight. He reminds me a little of David and Jen when they were his age.

On the way home, I shared with Jen a little of what has been going on in my life the last few weeks. Then, when I had closed my eyes to rest (or maybe the order was reversed), it came to me that I have never learned how to balance normal concerns about illness. It’s a gap in my self-awareness skills that has brought me a lot of anguish. I need to know how to stop imagining extremes. (Maybe that tendency is associated with relying so much on intuition, leaping around and making things “fit” the worst possible instead of seeing the possible.) It leaves me with a distorted image of the odds in a lot of situations so that everyday things become cause for panic. I really need to work on this, and I suspect that Susan will be a great help in doing so.

In the meantime, I spoke with Dic for a minute, one of my million symptom checks … He says he has experienced the same set of symptoms due to his back & neck being out and allergies — and, probably, stress.
Kathleen A. Gagne

I bought this today because I think this is a very important time in my life. I hope it will be the beginning of the best years …

It’s funny that I should be experiencing so many new things, that so many things are changing inside me. I have no job; I’ve gained weight; I’m concerned about Jen; David is all the way across the country, and I miss him terribly while I rejoice for him and hope his future is as bright as the vision he has.

Then there’s the whole Mom thing, the loss of her friendship and gaining her as a child, my fears about having her with me and feeling selfish about wanting this time for myself …

And yet, with a few words, I realized that I am not what I weigh, I am not a total failure when I am struggling and gaining. And I feel in general as if a hundred years of stress have fallen away.

I think I’m beginning to figure out who I am — the way I told people at Cox that I would be moving in my life.

I think the possibilities are endless and exciting.
Kathleen A. Gagne